I Never Would

I will always be strong.

I have to be strong.

It's who I am. 

Even when it feels like this: 

"When the concepts of love and hate become nothing more than wishful thinking because you simply can't imagine something greater than sadness and inadequacy.

When you will literally do anything to feel alive- if only for ten minutes.

When you're afraid to go to sleep because you know you'll be crushed that you woke up in the morning.

When you don't understand why you are here; and that you know that you are breathing the air that belongs to someone else. 

When getting up to eat becomes too much of a chore; and when you convince yourself to eat, you loathe your body for betraying you into doing the one thing that makes you feel worse.

When you know that you are the only one who feels this way; and when you know that it makes you alone.

I hate myself tonight. 

I hate myself for needing to make choices in the moment. 

I hate the choices that I've made.

I hate the people who have hurt me.

But most of all, I hate myself because I hurt myself."

Even when it feels like that, I know that I am strong enough to live to fight another day. 

Frustration

I guess I just don't understand how everyone else can do it and I cannot.

Don't Love My Body and I Won't Love Yours

Let me just say that I am no feminist.

I am probably as far from feminism as you could possibly be. Unlike many women of this age, I would probably ENJOY making my significant other a sandwich. Sandwiches rock.





However, something was brought to my attention that is not only worth writing about, it is worth attempting to change a lifestyle of both men and women.

I have overheard conversations of multiple friends where they have commented that they "love their girlfriend/boyfriend's body."

I wonder if  they realize how degrading that is to their significant other. When asked about the relationship or what they like about their partner, all they can think to comment on is a fleeeting product of energy spent on themselves? Out of the hundreds of characteristics; out of the very soul of a person destined for great things, they comment on something that is currently decaying and dying no matter what they do about it?

When my future husband describes me, I don't want to hear that they love my body. They can tell me that in the budoir (hell, if we're in the budoir I should know that they love it wink wink) I don't want to hear that I'm sexy or hot. I want to hear that I am worth loving; every piece of me- every ounce of the soul that lives forever is worth serving. That my faults are just as wonderful as my strengths because that is what makes me ME. That the amount of muscle in my thighs and stomach are not nearly as comparable to the amount of time I read the Bible or desire to grow closer to my Savior. That they are not hungry for my flesh; no, that they are hungry for my soul.

I will leave nothing to be desired in my body; it is a temple and I want to treat it that way. But that is not worth loving. I am worth loving. Trinity Cuff is worth loving.

Collide

I swear one night isn't enough
And one passing glance isn't love
But I knew when your eyes met mine
As the clock struck at half past nine
There was no going back, no
No getting off this road

You made me wanna write a love song about you
You made me wanna never forget about you
Sometimes life has a funny way of showing up
And sometimes fate has no way of giving up
Until we collide


unfinished, of course.

Freedom without Regina in our lives. (No, Not Regina George)

Do you watch that show "Once Upon a Time?"

My best friend and I have been avidly watching the seasons on a nightly basis, and one character that repeatedly breaks our heart is that of the evil queen, who in this show is named "Regina."

Regina's entire life has been a manipulation; she has been the puppet strung along to her mother's dainty whims, and in the end she became more evil than anyone in the show (except for her mother.) She refuses to make good choices (except when they affect her well being) and continually hurts and deceives the "good" characters until she is left with no friends and no resources.

By the end of season 2, her mother has died, she has discovered that she was manipulated into being evil, and she has lost her son to his biological mother; further, that son wants nothing to do with her and begins a campaign against her to destroy her.

Most people feel bad for Regina.

I don't.
wanna know why?

I identify with Regina. I don't think I deserve people's pity, sympathy, or even empathy for the wrongs that I commit. I am human, yes, and my sin is the same as other people's, yet something about the wrongs that have been committed against me fuel my desire to get even- and that takes me to another whole level of evil.
Therein lies another reason I identify with the evil queen- I'm bad, and I know it. I know it and most of the time, I embrace it. I breathe it in and let it consume me.

We all do that. We all should identify with the desire for power, the need for evil to consume us because then we feel unbeatable, the blood lust that unleashes our desire for revenge toward those who have broken our hearts.

You know what we need? A savior (Enter Emma)
Emma is the savior of Storybrooke. She defeats the evil curse that has enveloped the town; and, for a time, she defeats Regina's evil and strips her of her evil magic.
Jesus has defeated the evil curse that sin has put over our hearts.

We no longer have to choose to be Regina. And that is freedom.

Strength

What makes you all believe i'm so strong
I don't think so, but I could be wrong.
Strength lies not in reactions to pain
But in a life where the finished product is gain.
Why can't I stop this?
Why can't I hide?
I don't want to be strong
or show off my pride.
I want whispers that scream out my name
And blankets of glory that won me this game.
Play it I shall, and win it I will,
The big plays are what give me the thrill.
At the end of the day all that strength shows
Is that once weakness invaded my woes.

Crazy Stupid Love

I met my soul mate when I was fifteen years old and I've loved her every minute, every day since I first bought her that mint chocolate chip cone. I have loved her through the birth of our three perfect children. I have loved her, even when I've hated her. You married couples will understand that one. And I don't know if it's gonna work out, I don't know what' gonna happen. I'm sorry, Robbie. I can't give you that. But I can promise you this, I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one, you never give up.

Sonnet 19

When haunting melodies start with us
The chorus ends with lack of trust
All that's known is thrown in twist
And now,
pretend my world does not exist.

When symphonies erupt with fire,
Candles burn down to the wire
Forget me not the written verse
And now,
Compose mystery within this curse.

Cheese and Meatballs.

Who's to say that you're the one,
Lost and heartbreak, come undone
I may not treat you like I should
Believe I only want the good.
Love entangles more than fear
Fear holds love and is unclear
About who knows this mystery
Take my leap in history
Figure out just where we'll go
In the end our love will grow.

Don't try to tell me how to go to church.

Today marks a landmark for me. Today is the first time in my entire life that I have ever wholeheartedly disagreed with a sermon, and it's really grinding my gears. To be perfectly honest, the entire church service made me angry but the sermon in particular was icing on the cake. I'm going to break it down in sections (as church services usually are) and provide reasoning behind my anger and disappointment.

First: Worship.
 I have been to churches my whole life and heard many different kinds of worship. I have heard contemporary Christian, hymns, spoken word, call and response, Celtic worship and other forms of praise to our Savior. I do not have a problem with any of it. If that is the way someone worships Jesus, that's great. It's always a joy to see people kneel before the feet of our Lord. However, there is a sort of reverence and respect that accompany the songs we sing. It is with good reason that we don't just sing whatever comes in our heads as a congregation- it would be a jumbled, muddled, mess. The worship leader has a responsibility to the congregation to oversee the flow of the song and choose songs that are pleasing to the ear; otherwise, we simply wouldn't need a worship leader and team. We could have some form of individual worship time instead. This would be fun on it's own, but not the intent of a "body" of Christ. Having said that, I enjoyed the two songs we sang first. They were great to sing as a body and rejoice and bask in our Savior's love and presence. However, the third song was extremely poorly written. It was hard to follow, had no rhythm, and yet we sang both verse and chorus repeatedly. When i say repeatedly, i say at least eight or nine times; further, i felt that the worship team was forcing us to sing this song when people weren't super into it.

Second: The Reading of the Word.
After worship there is a time that the congregation as a whole reads a passage of Scripture out loud. The Scripture chosen was in the Psalms, and the translation of the day was "the Message." I personally do not like the Message, but understand that some do understand it better and so it is more of a personal Bible so that those who don't read the best may still enjoy devotions and gain learning. However, we read it as a congregation, and it sounded like a conversation. Not something that we hold reverent, and not the words of God himself. We forget that although Christ may have come as a man, He was also fully God and a lack of knowledge does not give us the right to "dumb down" the Bible.

Third: The Sermon.
ohhhhhh boy. The sermon. The title of the sermon was "how not to become a big church and to be successful." Excuse me. The pastor explained that he meant it satirically, but his entire sermon was how he had personally attempted to keep his church small, and that when it got too big, he would send out people to make bigger churches. That is understandable. However, let me just explain to you a few things. My dad, the pastor of a small church, has worked his entire pastoral career on helping people by outreaches and drawing people into the church, only to be met with opposition. He is not successful making a big church- and as a result, my family has suffered. There have been times when we couldn't even afford a Christmas tree, all because the members of our congregation didn't want to make our church "successful." And be not mistaken- we have not wanted for anything. God has provided for our every need and I have found my joy and riches through Christ. But don't you dare stand up there and tell me that you don't want a successful church when you can afford to send your daughter to China for a year, buy her an Ipad, and save enough money to send yourself and your wife there twice a year. That is ridiculous and it is obvious where your priorities lie. All your talk about how you simply want to disciple people- let's see how that is when your money is taken away because your congregation is split and then quits tithing. Let's see then. It is unfair of you to judge churches simply because they have many members- Greg Laurie's church, Harvest, is a huge discipleship church. They are the starters of the Harvest Crusade- they live to serve. It is wrong of you to condemn large churches and wrong of you to assume that everyone has enough money to pay the bills by being an unsuccessful church. And don't even get me started about how the only Bible you used was "The Message."


Fourth: Communion.
Loved it.

Dear Previous Me

Dear Diary,
I just want to be treated like I matter.
Like those around me see the girl
God created me to be.
But being rejected just makes me sadder
And the opinion of the world
Starts to matter to me.

Dear Previous Me,
I read the words you wrote the other day
I read them, and I just want to say:
No matter who hurt you,
No matter how bad,
No matter the reason,
No matter how sad,
You're going to be okay.

Take Your Like and Raise You Love

Colors, once bright, now fade to grey
Light doesn't matter at the end of the day
Fear steals in when you start to say I love you.

This is wrong, this has to be wrong.
You can't put feelings inside of a song.
Heartbeat short, and silence so long
All because you said I love you.

Don't say it.
Please don't say it.
Hold it inside, save it for the hail.
Save it for the rocky times
When meaning, above all else, is a verb.

modesty and discernment

Modesty is a large issue in our generation's culture. Questions are constantly being raised about what is right or wrong to wear, Judgments are always being made about contextual clothing, and people are constantly getting hurt.
The only thing that sticks out to me in that previous sentence is the fact that people are constantly getting hurt. There is no longer a fine line between chiding and rebuking, and it causes confusion among the masses that make up the young women of America.
One question that specifically comes to mind is the issue of wearing two piece bathing suits, or bikinis at the beach or another swim setting. Christian churches across America remind their teenagers to not cause teenage men to stumble by parading around in arousing clothing, but are we not also causing those same women to feel uneasy about their own bodies and temples that the Holy Spirit resides in? We have been stuffed full of images and media that portrays women a certain way and that if you are unable to achieve the "norm" you do not deserve to wear a two piece. The message that the church is sending is agreeing with that stimulus, albeit subconsciously. They are failing to recognize that women are beautiful creatures and that we are shaped differently than men; why then are we called to a standard that requires us to hide our beauty talked about and revered in Psalm 139? Now- by embracing our bodies and womanhood I do not mean that we should consciously allow ourselves to use a contextual piece of clothing to attract sexual attention. I simply do not understand why the church blames women for the bodies that God has given us, no matter what it looks like.
In this issue, I call upon the reason and discernment that God himself has given us. We should be allowed the choice to love ourselves first- before conforming to a standard that those who cannot control themselves have thrown us in.

Sunshine

I told somebody something personal.
I’m working on it. I’m surviving. Somehow, I’m getting better. I’m healing. I’ve bitten the dust and gotten back up. I am alive.
I have no regrets; only a past spattered with shotgun shells. Light shines holes in my heart like stained glass. Slowly my lungs fill with air; I can breathe tonight.
Don’t ask me about tomorrow.

21

21 things I love about living:

21. That feeling you get when you win.
20. Pugs.
19. Knowing that no matter how many times you mess up, you get another chance at life itself.
18. Song choruses.
17. Sitting in my car and feeling like the world is ending, then getting out of my car feeling okay.
16. I love lights.
15. A hug that changes my world, if only for two minutes.
14. Getting a random text from someone I care about.
13. Poetry.
12. Singing a worship song, and having it be your prayer.
11. The ability to love, no matter how afraid I am of it.
10. The smell of roses.
9. Closing my eyes and simply imagining.
8. Playing my piano.
7. Seeing a freshly dragged softball field.
6. Learning something that changes my whole outlook on life.
5. Listening to someone who needs help.
4. Standing in the middle of a hailstorm.
3. Looking at old pictures of friends.
2. Being told I'm important.
1. Finding purpose.

I am saved, I am being saved, and I will be saved.

"However, if the men of Corinth are looking to follow the path of Christ, and are looking for ways to set their hearts right and become human, then their immature humanity has a hope that can be found through Christ. The path of Christ follows the thought process “I am saved, I am being saved, and I will be saved.” This path maintains that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He has saved us in the past by dying on the cross, He saves us from the sin we commit every day, and He will continue to save us from now until eternity. One might think that Paul wrote them, saying they were mere men in the hope that even though he considered them as human, they would grow and mature over time, thereby becoming human, in the same way that Jesus Christ has become our Savior."

Hail

When I look outside, I see that the world is finally in tune to my heart. The pounding of ice hitting a undeserved asphalt floor, the cold and unfeeling wind biting those who face it, the rain struggling to regain its upper hand in the fight for precipitation makes me feel at peace. Finally the sky understands the angry denial and storm that reaches down to my very bones.
Why would I choose hail?
It represents me.
The hailstorm of anger and arrogance parades in my soul.
My mind is that pounding ice, telling me that I'm not good enough.
My heart is that stinging wind, howling at those who have hurt me.
But my soul is that rain, fighting to regain ground. My soul softly comes around after the outbreak of the ice and wind. My soul reminds me that I am enough for the world around me.
And just as the sun breaks as the rain softly falls and the hail abates, so does the love that I cannot see. It permeates my center, spreading until all is silent except His words: I love you, my child. Come home.

Rainy Day

Rainy Day Playlist:

1. Crack the Shutters- Snow Patrol

you know that feeling when you first wake up, and all you want to do is snuggle? This is by far the BEST song for that.

2. Kiss Quick- Matt Nathanson

It's a "driving and contemplating" song, to be sure. The words sound like breezy clouds.

3. Wondering Where You Are -Tyrone Wells

It's just one of those songs that you can take a nap to.

4. Out of Breath -Jared Lee

This is a thunderstorm song. It makes me so angry, and yet it's so beautiful.

5. Closing Time -Alex Goot (he's not the original, but the COVER is on the playlist.)

One word for his voice - soothing.

6. Paradise -Coldplay

Every rainy day is paradise.

7. Baby Blue Eyes -A Rocket to the Moon

I don't know, it just sounds like rain.

Sometimes songs speak feelings that the mouth could never say. And sometimes life is just a thunderstorm away. <3

Imagine That.

The world at fingertips bent

Will for'er be out of reach.

And life was never meant

for falsehoods that we preach.

"The hurt will always go away,

The hope will soon be found."

Lies just meant to save the day

that fall into the ground.

Incite some raw emotion hence

Or dust will cleave to dust.

All that's worse than feeling sense

Is knowing naught at all.

There are no ways to stay the same

Change is always nigh;

And knowing it's not self to blame

Relieves a single sigh.

A Pre-Raphaelite Fascination with Arthuriana

Willows whiten, aspens quiver,
Little breezes dusk and shiver
Through the wave that runs for ever
By the island in the river
Flowing down to Camelot.
Four gray walls, and four gray towers,
Overlook a space of flowers,
And the silent isle imbowers

The Lady of Shalott.

-Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

I hope nobody compares themselves to the Lady of Shalott. Her story is so sad and tortured, one just has to feel for her. She offers her life to the man she loves, who has given her good reason that he loves her back. I mean, come on. If you give a girl good reason, at least make an effort. But when Elaine of Astolat begs him to stay and marry her, he refuses due to his love for Guinevere (Arthur's wife). First of all, Elaine should never have begged. I bet he was giving her some hints, like not answering her calls, maybe not texting her back all the time, hanging out with the guys late at night, coming in with lipstick on the collar, and the scent of Calvin Klein's "F&S" (fine and smooth) hanging in the air. She should have guessed. Second of all, Lancelot totally led her on. I mean, we all know those Frenchmen; they like the chase. They toy with you, they say they love you, they say you're the only one they'll ever want, and then they leave you. Even still, it doesn't mean you have to go throw yourself in a boat, play dead, and float in front of his castle. I mean, come on Elaine! It's not going to bring him back. If anything, it's going to bring you a restraining order. I understand where you're coming from, I really do. But couldn't you have at least exacted revenge? Everyone in history feels so bad for you, when you could have just stuck up for yourself and maybe found love elsewhere. Mordred, perhaps?