now that its over, i just want to hold her.

everyone was right. how could i have been retarded? actually, no. that's what i'm supposed to say. i still think i'm right. and i still think that its all gonna turn out okay.

i'm a faker.

i hate it.

but i'm still a faker.

i'm not okay.

i want to talk about this to someone. no, actually, i don't. because this is what they will say.

"i am so sorry trinity. i know, i know you loved. i know you lost. he doesn't deserve you."

the truth is, i don't deserve him. i am a poor excuse for being a girlfriend and a best friend. how could i desert him in his time of need because of my own fear? it's killing me to leave him, and it's only been one day. they say that this pain gets better with time, but i don't think people understand how deeply i love. I made that mistake already, and i will pay for that for the rest of my life. To fall like this AGAIN? how retarded and stupid and naive can i possibly be? the people who say that all guys are out for one thing are right. why is it so important for guys to have sex? find a slut. have sex with her. don't trick her into falling in love with you so that you can have an innocent girl become like all the rest of the sluts. not that i'm a slut, or had sex even. but i gave my heart. its gone. i can't do that too many times simply because of my personality type. not only is there a giant freaking hole in my heart, my vision is clouded, my goals are grayed; to put it simply, the sky is a little bit less blue and the grass is a little bit less green.

i wrote something. and when people read it it looks like i want to commit suicide. so i'm not gonna post it, because i'm nearly positive the people in the white coats are gonna come for me once people read it. because i look like i feel into an abusive relationship. believe what you want.

you know what else? believe what you want about me for posting this. i'm not afraid to express my feelings. i'm not afraid to be truthful. i don't care anymore about how i look to calvary chapel mid valley or if i'll spoil my reputation. you all think i'm a slut anyway. you tell me to my face.

am i crazy?

my song of the week is lucy, by skillet. so sad. so tender. so sweet. so heartbroken.

this is who i am. accept me.

Let it out

Let it out, where?
The world is lost upon itself
The vantage point of my naked soul
Is my Victory.

Give back my future
Erase my past
Throw away my present,
Christmas was last year

Let it out, how?
All i see is crowded streets
No one hears it no one cares
About this.

Give back my future
Erase my past
Throw away my present,
Christmas was last year

The words are mixed, the meaning broken
do you want to know?
Need of want, love of need, want of love
cut me off and shut me down. Now.

who would you wanna be?

im going home on wednesday :)

and i'm gonna be stuck up here all alone for two days. haha that SUCKS.

guess what? i made my own sheet music to a song today :) i was so proud of myself!!

how is it possible that music is the only class i'm minorly failing lol and its my second love? hahaha. i have no idea. but anyway, the song i'm learning is vanilla twilight by owl city.. its a bomb song :)

i miss my boyfriend sooo much. Every moment that goes by without me seeing him makes me miss him so much more than i did before. Every day that i don't see him i feel like my heart tears a little bit more.

i miss my friends and family too :( i feel like up here in nowhere'sville, california, i am not myself. a piece of me is seriously missing from my heart. That piece is Calvary Chapel Mid Valley and the Cuff family residence. When i am there, i feel like i am alive and whole.

and who wouldn't want to be alive and whole?

mine and josh riley's rap. made on skype

yo its j-dawg and yo girl trindizzle... the real lil teezy

hey wawa wassup.. joshriley in the heezy

u better get goin before i hitcha fo SHEEZY

those simpsonites think our raps are real EASY

let us slow it down and let it be spun by trin-TEEZY my NEEZY

WICKA WICKA wawa!!

(i was beat boxing)

now lets speed it up and let it be thrown DOWN

before i make trinDIZZLE make you FROWN

cuz at EXPOSURE she'sa be wearin A BARBIE GOWN

well well are you DOWN?!?!

HEY LOOK!

ITS JAY SEAN

BABY ARE YOU DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN

dowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn

dowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn

(now featuring JAY SEAN)

desserts.

wow. its been a week and a half in only four days.

i don't want to think, i don't want to be awake, i don't want to live. haha well i want to live, but i just have so much running through my mind and i could literally write a blog entry for three hours straight.

lets get down to business and compartmentalize my brain.

1. mi novio is pissing me off.

2. he's really pissing me off.

3. two weeks till i go home. im super excited.

4. softball team drama. not gonna mention it, but its really retarded.

5. i need to pass music.

6. i need to stop sucking at softball.

7. i really REALLY need to stop being a headcase.

8. me and God need to get closer, and i need to make him more of a focus.

9. i could use some sleep. maybe just a little bit.

hmm. which one should i discuss?

1. how could he not tell me? i'm his girlfriend i'm supposed to hear about stuff like this. i want to be there for him when he runs into some tight positions. i don't want to be the girl who comes home to find her boyfriend has completely changed because we haven't spoken in forever. i don't want to be the idiot girlfriend who thinks everything is okay, when in all actuality, he doesn't care enough to tell me important stuff in his life.

2. whoa.

3. i am excited to go home and see my best friend. :) she's been having a rough time of it lately, and i feel i should be there for her. i pray for her, but sometimes i feel like that's not enough and she could really just use a hug.

4. what the heck. i love my softball team, but sometimes we all just implode within each other. there is gossip going on, spite, jealousy, and other stuff that just really sucks. why cant we all just get along?

5. yea. haha i really need to pass music. its so difficult because the teacher goes so fast. i mean, we all know that i'm good at understanding theory, but when it goes so quickly its a lot to process at 9 am!! haha. but really. it stresses me out and i don't like when my parents put so much pressure on me for grades. i mean, i'm paying for college. not them. im working hard and it bothers me when they try to live my life for me.

6. no comment. i really need to get better.

7. i feel like such a beezie to people because i have all these thoughts in my head and i just don't feel like saying nice things. when i act all quiet, people think i'm stuck up or boring. in all actuality, i just don't know what to say because nothing else will fit in my head.

8. i love you God. i need to talk to you more and make more sense of the nonsense in my head. take out the trash, please. clear my mind and make me more like you. prepare my heart to surrender more and more every day.

9. zzz....

i can't look away.

i honestly can't look away. can you?

ur so gay

I hope you hang yourself with your H&M scarfWhile off listening to MozartYou and moan about LAWishing you were in the rain reading Hemingway You don’t eat meatAnd drive electrical carsYou’re so indie rock it’s almost an artYou need SPF 45 just to stay alive[CHORUS]You’re so gay and you don’t even like boysNo you don’t even likeNo you don’t even like No you don’t even like boysYou’re so gay and you don’t even like boysNo you don’t even likeNo you don’t even like No you don’t even like…[Verse 2]You’re so sad maybe you should buy a happy mealYou’re so skinny you should really Super Size the dealSecretly you’re so amusedThat nobody understands youI’m so mean cause I cannot get you outta your headI’m so angry cause you’d rather MySpace insteadI can’t believe I fell in love with someone that wears more makeup than…[CHORUS]You’re so gay and you don’t even like boysNo you don’t even likeNo you don’t even like No you don’t even like boysYou’re so gay and you don’t even like boysNo you don’t even likeNo you don’t even like No you don’t even like…[BRIDGE]You walk around like you’re oh so debonairYou pull ‘em down and there’s really nothing thereI wish you would just be real with me[CHORUS]You’re so gay and you don’t even like boysNo you don’t even likeNo you don’t even like No you don’t even like boysYou’re so gay and you don’t even like boysNo you don’t even likeNo you don’t even like Oh no no no no no no noYou’re so gay and you don’t even like boysNo you don’t even likeNo you don’t even like No you don’t even like boysYou’re so gay and you don’t even like boysNo you don’t even likeNo you don’t even like No you don’t even like…