my song of the week. :)

According to You
by Orianthi


According to you
I'm stupid
I'm useless
I can't do anything right

According to you
i'm difficult
Hard to please
Forever changing my mind
I'm a mess in a dress
can't show up on time
Even if it would save my life
According to you
According to you

But according to him
i'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head
According to him
i'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
So baby tell me what i got to lose
He's into me for everything i'm not
According to you

According to you
i'm boring
i'm moody
You can't take me any place
According to you
I suck at telling jokes because i always give them away
I'm the girl with the worst attention span
You're the boy who puts up with it
according to you
according to you

But according to him
i'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head
According to him
i'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
So baby tell me what i got to lose
He's into me for everything i'm not
According to you

I need to feel appreciated
like i'm not hated
oh no
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad ur making me dizzy

According to me
You're stupid
You're useless
You can't do anything right

But according to him
i'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head
According to him
i'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
Baby tell me what i got to lose
He's into me for everything i'm not
According to you
According to you


According to you
i'm stupid
i'm useless
i can't do anything right

oh canada.

hey world.

i don't know who reads this, and frankly, i don't care. my thoughts that i share, i share to everyone. because i feel that somehow, somewhere, maybe someone else's life and thought processes will be affected from mine.

i had an amazing day. Eight hours on the road is enough to clear my mind, and i see life again. I feel like God has lifted the cloud of heaviness from my heart. Focus Trinity. The bible says "set ur mind on things above, not on things of this world." think about that. dwell on that. why should i have a care of what happens to me in this life? God is the only thing that should matter, and when i am feeling down, i need to turn to him. Life is so simple, and even though we are made to have emotions, and made to feel, the feelings are a gift from God, and we should be praising him even for that. No matter how down the feelings make us "feel", haha, they are so special because they give us the option to have personality.

i want my personality :) i like it. Even though i am a bit quirky, and even though sometimes i am not ladylike, i love myself. I love who God has made me to be. yes, i have my faults. Yes, i do get hard on myself. Yes, i am selfish and conceited, and everything else that i really don't like about myself. But you know what? God made me that way. He loves everything about me. i am beautiful. i can finally say that. For so long in my life i compared myself to everyone around me. I saw only my faults, and only my weakness. God has prepared me for this moment in my life, when i look around and see that nothing matters except God. It really doesn't, when i think about it. Am i going to be playing softball in heaven? no, lol unless we get an intramural game going. Am i going to be making out with guys in heaven? definitely not. haha. God has put his divine plan in my life, and i am ready to follow.

i met something. it has changed my life. technically i didn't meet it today, but the lightbulb flipped. im not sure what this means for me. I don't even know if this is God's plan for my life. I don't think it isn't though, so i'm going to just follow this road. hopefully it works. It will be the first time something ever has worked like this, so let's let the fireworks begin, eh?

enogsiefil

where has she gone?


laying, crying, this hopelessness builds
whereamilost.
have you hidden meaning?
have u hidden hope?
you. you have hidden it from yourself.

you know where life lies.
you know the answer.
my question, is
what is the question?

attempting to breathe, my thoughts contract
idon'twantoexist
have u mentioned life?
have u ceased to be?
i don't want to be carried, broken as i am.

fix me first.


look at me a year ago. i am not like this. this is not me. but somewhere, somehow, that trinity has ceased to exist. she has no longer kept her grip on the life put somewhere in this mess of a world.


why do i sound so desperate? i thought i felt better. i thought the pain had numbed and turned into a dull ache. but no. it's back in full force. hounding my thoughts and dreams until i no longer want to be at the center of anyone's will, not even my own.

fat women in America. its not inner beauty.

you know what? i had an epiphany today, while watching the preview for "the princess and the frog." which, by the way, my friend partly drew. so go watch it everyone! support his salary! yay!

okay.

my epiphany. ready for it? its going to be quite controversial.

the whole "inner beauty is way more important than outer beauty" hype is turning women in America fat.

fat, i say.

i mean, honestly. what woman in the world, when told that her heart is more important than her tummy and thighs, is not gonna eat chocolate? why should she stay thin? why should she work out? i mean, honestly. if America keeps telling women that we are more beautiful on the inside than the outside, we are actually going to start believing it, and men are going to have to start dating chubbier women. I mean, who really believes the hype that men go for personality... WRONG. i don't know any guy, who, when faced with a picture of a gorgeous girl and a not so gorgeous girl, will pick the not so gorgeous girl. now some may say "oh well i'm sure that the gorgeous girl is fake. and i would definitely pick the not so gorgeous girl, because i'm sure that just because she is fat or ugly, she must be super sweet. are we this naive? no guy cares for personality. he just cares about whether or not she can provide the pleasure he so desires and craves. think about personality after the deed is done right? most of the time, i would say this is true.

so women, this new year's, don't make a resolution that you will concentrate on inner beauty, thereby winning the ultimate prince charming. get in shape! contract an eating disorder! don't get fat and lazy, choosing the easy way out by saying "it's what's on the inside that counts" because really, in the end, all that is going to count is ur calorie check.

kinda.

hey. i'm feelin better.. kinda.

now that its over, i just want to hold her.

everyone was right. how could i have been retarded? actually, no. that's what i'm supposed to say. i still think i'm right. and i still think that its all gonna turn out okay.

i'm a faker.

i hate it.

but i'm still a faker.

i'm not okay.

i want to talk about this to someone. no, actually, i don't. because this is what they will say.

"i am so sorry trinity. i know, i know you loved. i know you lost. he doesn't deserve you."

the truth is, i don't deserve him. i am a poor excuse for being a girlfriend and a best friend. how could i desert him in his time of need because of my own fear? it's killing me to leave him, and it's only been one day. they say that this pain gets better with time, but i don't think people understand how deeply i love. I made that mistake already, and i will pay for that for the rest of my life. To fall like this AGAIN? how retarded and stupid and naive can i possibly be? the people who say that all guys are out for one thing are right. why is it so important for guys to have sex? find a slut. have sex with her. don't trick her into falling in love with you so that you can have an innocent girl become like all the rest of the sluts. not that i'm a slut, or had sex even. but i gave my heart. its gone. i can't do that too many times simply because of my personality type. not only is there a giant freaking hole in my heart, my vision is clouded, my goals are grayed; to put it simply, the sky is a little bit less blue and the grass is a little bit less green.

i wrote something. and when people read it it looks like i want to commit suicide. so i'm not gonna post it, because i'm nearly positive the people in the white coats are gonna come for me once people read it. because i look like i feel into an abusive relationship. believe what you want.

you know what else? believe what you want about me for posting this. i'm not afraid to express my feelings. i'm not afraid to be truthful. i don't care anymore about how i look to calvary chapel mid valley or if i'll spoil my reputation. you all think i'm a slut anyway. you tell me to my face.

am i crazy?

my song of the week is lucy, by skillet. so sad. so tender. so sweet. so heartbroken.

this is who i am. accept me.

Let it out

Let it out, where?
The world is lost upon itself
The vantage point of my naked soul
Is my Victory.

Give back my future
Erase my past
Throw away my present,
Christmas was last year

Let it out, how?
All i see is crowded streets
No one hears it no one cares
About this.

Give back my future
Erase my past
Throw away my present,
Christmas was last year

The words are mixed, the meaning broken
do you want to know?
Need of want, love of need, want of love
cut me off and shut me down. Now.