fat women in America. its not inner beauty.

you know what? i had an epiphany today, while watching the preview for "the princess and the frog." which, by the way, my friend partly drew. so go watch it everyone! support his salary! yay!

okay.

my epiphany. ready for it? its going to be quite controversial.

the whole "inner beauty is way more important than outer beauty" hype is turning women in America fat.

fat, i say.

i mean, honestly. what woman in the world, when told that her heart is more important than her tummy and thighs, is not gonna eat chocolate? why should she stay thin? why should she work out? i mean, honestly. if America keeps telling women that we are more beautiful on the inside than the outside, we are actually going to start believing it, and men are going to have to start dating chubbier women. I mean, who really believes the hype that men go for personality... WRONG. i don't know any guy, who, when faced with a picture of a gorgeous girl and a not so gorgeous girl, will pick the not so gorgeous girl. now some may say "oh well i'm sure that the gorgeous girl is fake. and i would definitely pick the not so gorgeous girl, because i'm sure that just because she is fat or ugly, she must be super sweet. are we this naive? no guy cares for personality. he just cares about whether or not she can provide the pleasure he so desires and craves. think about personality after the deed is done right? most of the time, i would say this is true.

so women, this new year's, don't make a resolution that you will concentrate on inner beauty, thereby winning the ultimate prince charming. get in shape! contract an eating disorder! don't get fat and lazy, choosing the easy way out by saying "it's what's on the inside that counts" because really, in the end, all that is going to count is ur calorie check.

kinda.

hey. i'm feelin better.. kinda.

now that its over, i just want to hold her.

everyone was right. how could i have been retarded? actually, no. that's what i'm supposed to say. i still think i'm right. and i still think that its all gonna turn out okay.

i'm a faker.

i hate it.

but i'm still a faker.

i'm not okay.

i want to talk about this to someone. no, actually, i don't. because this is what they will say.

"i am so sorry trinity. i know, i know you loved. i know you lost. he doesn't deserve you."

the truth is, i don't deserve him. i am a poor excuse for being a girlfriend and a best friend. how could i desert him in his time of need because of my own fear? it's killing me to leave him, and it's only been one day. they say that this pain gets better with time, but i don't think people understand how deeply i love. I made that mistake already, and i will pay for that for the rest of my life. To fall like this AGAIN? how retarded and stupid and naive can i possibly be? the people who say that all guys are out for one thing are right. why is it so important for guys to have sex? find a slut. have sex with her. don't trick her into falling in love with you so that you can have an innocent girl become like all the rest of the sluts. not that i'm a slut, or had sex even. but i gave my heart. its gone. i can't do that too many times simply because of my personality type. not only is there a giant freaking hole in my heart, my vision is clouded, my goals are grayed; to put it simply, the sky is a little bit less blue and the grass is a little bit less green.

i wrote something. and when people read it it looks like i want to commit suicide. so i'm not gonna post it, because i'm nearly positive the people in the white coats are gonna come for me once people read it. because i look like i feel into an abusive relationship. believe what you want.

you know what else? believe what you want about me for posting this. i'm not afraid to express my feelings. i'm not afraid to be truthful. i don't care anymore about how i look to calvary chapel mid valley or if i'll spoil my reputation. you all think i'm a slut anyway. you tell me to my face.

am i crazy?

my song of the week is lucy, by skillet. so sad. so tender. so sweet. so heartbroken.

this is who i am. accept me.

Let it out

Let it out, where?
The world is lost upon itself
The vantage point of my naked soul
Is my Victory.

Give back my future
Erase my past
Throw away my present,
Christmas was last year

Let it out, how?
All i see is crowded streets
No one hears it no one cares
About this.

Give back my future
Erase my past
Throw away my present,
Christmas was last year

The words are mixed, the meaning broken
do you want to know?
Need of want, love of need, want of love
cut me off and shut me down. Now.