Thursday, December 30, 2010

Neverending Endings

They flow through my head, like a beat:
You don't want me, You don't need me.
I imagined something more sweet:
Forever we, We'll sail the sea.

You said:
Let's drink of the fountains of sweet bliss
Let's bathe in the rivers of one soul
Nobody can hold us back unless
We let life try to swallow us whole.

Those memories drown out my tears:
You don't want me, You don't need me.
The lies you told bring back my fears
I am still, still ashamed to be.

I say:
What i remember is that first kiss
The baggage has taken a toll.
There's nothing more that I can miss
Except my heart, which you stole.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Alex Goot is my new best friend.

1:40 am.
I love Alex Goot.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

My Story

Dear Readers,
I don't know who exactly you people are, but please listen and provide me with your honest and (as unbiased as you can) opinion. There are many who know the situation I am about to reveal, and those who don't should learn that I am not a private person. However, to excuse the third party from embarrassment, I will refrain from using names, dates, and locations.

A short while ago, I became friends with a nice young man. We happened accidentally on our friendship when a group of friends went to In-n-Out, and on the way back I had become so inebriated with caffeine that I requested to lay in the trunk of this young man's car and sing to the stars. My roommate and I made he and a mutual friend cookies, and they liked the cookies so much they proclaimed us our best friends. My roommate's relationship with the boys remained completely offhanded and neutral, while my own relationship grew exponentially with both, both completely platonic in nature. One of the young men I had a class with, and one I had rather theological and spiritual discussions with. Near this period, I had prayed to God that He would give me a friend that I could really share my spiritual visions for the year with, and that I would not be alone at my college that year without spiritual grounding. Needless to say, when I began to converse with my friend about things not of this world, I believed him to be a complete answer to prayer. We decided to lead a Bible study at our school directed toward the athletic department, and with much prayer and supplication, the study took off the ground. Athletes were coming, student's lives were changing, and it was a real answer to the very prayer I had prayed. My friend and I had become closer, with God as our foundation, and it was a very emotionally, spiritually, and mentally strong friendship. The first mishap occured when my friend broke up with his (at the time) girlfriend of quite some time. She was devastated, as was he, but he felt as though God was leading him to do so. The second mishap occured nearly a month later, when I broke up with my (at the time) boyfriend, due to legal matters. Both breakups were harsh, unyielding, and produced much bitterness. However, due to the nature of our friendship, we used each other as an emotional crutch, being there for each other and praying for each other. My friend decided he liked another girl, and although I did not approve, I would offer advice on how to obtain this girl that he liked. Unfortunately, the boy that I liked at the time was my friend. Due to certain events from the past, I was not at all concerned that this boy did not like me, because I figured that he was out of my league, and therefore unobtainable. Imagine my surprise and delight a few months later, when I was told that he too returned my feelings and was ready to give us a chance. Unfortunately, neither of us had stopped to think about the spiritual ramifications of what we had both commited to. The Bible study was going in full swing, with many members, we were both semi-spiritual leaders on our teams at school, and we were both still attempting to uplift the other in the Lord. This is nearly impossible when attempting to take a relationship to a physical level, even if the level is on the lowest level of simple physical touch. We did not put Jesus first in our friendship or newfound feelings, and this is where we made our mistake. After the first round of newfound feelings, my friend discovered that his feelings were not linked to commitment, rather the emotional ties that we had strongly forged in the months before. This led to profuse apologies on his part, telling me that he had not meant the things he said that had meant so much to me in the past. I readily forgave him, believing what we had was a mishap and not designed to go through again. However, instead of giving up on the idea of "us," he led me in a confusing chase that led to much heartache on both of our parts, including his feelings for other girls, my anger in the situation, lies told to each other on both parts, and more physical intimacy where there should have been none. Nowhere in this newfound relationship we had made had we left room for Jesus, where Jesus should have been the leader of our friendship, where he had been in the past. This raucous friendship continued until the end of the school year, when i found out he had gossipped behind my back and said hurtful things about me in order to lead another girl on into believing nothing had gone on between he and I. I became upset with him and quickly ended our friendship, after a long conversation with him. However, a couple days later, he backtracked and apologized and we fell again into our cycle of unhealthy friendship. This continued over the summer, when I saw him several times, and we kept our friendship through text. Over the summer I attempted to go back into our safe boundaries of platonic friendship, but the lines had been crossed and were impossible to go back to. Because I was transferring schools and had not seen him in a while, at the end of the summer I explained to him that I needed to meet up with him to tell him something. We proceeded to meet up and hang out, and it was there that I told him that my feelings had grown into love, and it was impossible for me to remain friends with someone that I loved, but I knew had alternate feelings with other girls. His response was to entice me to fall into our same pattern of physical emotion and closeness, and it was all to easy to fall into that same trap and pattern. He explained that we would not let our friendship die, and that we would remain just as good of friends as we were when we started our "best friend-ness." Unfortunately, a week later, I found out from a mutual friend that he had been telling a different girl all summer that she was his girlfriend. As you can imagine, this hurt me far worse than any other mishap we had gone through, because he had lied to me, used me for physical closeness, and had been living a double life while still calling me "one of his best friends." I called him and attempted to explain the damage that he had caused me, but I don't think he fully understood. I finally told him that I didn't think we could be friends anymore, and that he should call me when he grew up enough to understand what had happened. I have only heard from him twice, once when he attempted to apologize over text message, and once when I was so broken from what happened that I texted him out of sheer desperacy and frustration. Losing him as a friend has hurt me far worse than the lies and deceit that went on in our friendship, and I don't think I'll ever be the same without his friendship. I still pick up my phone on occasion to tell him something that God is doing in my life, but am reminded that I can no longer do that. I still dream dreams that I am not wanted by the one friend I trusted the most, and that hurts so much I do not want to wake up, because I know my dream has finally become a reality. I have finally come to the conclusion that it did take two to ruin what could have been a great friendship, and that I am as much to blame for what happened as he was. While he did lie and deceive me into thinking that I was waiting for a relationship that was eventually going to happen, I tempted and teased my way into his heart, thinking that physical closeness would eventually bring the real love that I so craved in my life. What we both did not realize that what we both were lacking was Jesus' love bringing our friendship back together. We lost focus of what was really important in life, and it caused a destructive path that still has and probably will always have lasting effects. My dear friend, if you are reading this, please know that I forgive you for the anger and hurt in our situations that you have caused me. In the same way, I am so sorry that I let you lose focus of what is really important, and that is Jesus Christ. I never should have pushed you into attempting to feel something you knew would never be real. If we had kept our focus on what was important at the Bible study, which was bringing fellow athletes to Christ, we would never have been ensnared by lies, anger, and deceit. I pray daily for you and your choices to glorify God, and that one day, maybe we can be friends again in the way that God has planned for us to live our lives.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

The Passion's There, so it's Gotta be Right.. Right?

Don't you sometimes wish Pink sometimes came out with songs that didn't describe EXACTLY how you feel? That's how I feel.

"..I don't mind it, I still don't mind at all
It's like one of those bad dreams when you can't wake up
Looks like you've given up, you've had enough
But I want more no I won't stop
'cause I just know you'll come around... right?...No I don't believe you
When you say don't come around here no more, I won't remind you
You said we wouldn't be apart. No, I don't believe you
When you say you don't need me anymore.
So don't pretend to not love me at all."

Thursday, December 2, 2010

You are so Worthy

holy, holy, holy.

You are so worthy, Father.

All praise, honor, and glory goes to You. No matter what. Please let our prayers and praise be glorified. There is nothing more amazing than to be in Your presence.

I pray that anyone who listens to this is transported to the Holy of Holies for some worship and love.