Friday, December 18, 2009

now that its over, i just want to hold her.

everyone was right. how could i have been retarded? actually, no. that's what i'm supposed to say. i still think i'm right. and i still think that its all gonna turn out okay.

i'm a faker.

i hate it.

but i'm still a faker.

i'm not okay.

i want to talk about this to someone. no, actually, i don't. because this is what they will say.

"i am so sorry trinity. i know, i know you loved. i know you lost. he doesn't deserve you."

the truth is, i don't deserve him. i am a poor excuse for being a girlfriend and a best friend. how could i desert him in his time of need because of my own fear? it's killing me to leave him, and it's only been one day. they say that this pain gets better with time, but i don't think people understand how deeply i love. I made that mistake already, and i will pay for that for the rest of my life. To fall like this AGAIN? how retarded and stupid and naive can i possibly be? the people who say that all guys are out for one thing are right. why is it so important for guys to have sex? find a slut. have sex with her. don't trick her into falling in love with you so that you can have an innocent girl become like all the rest of the sluts. not that i'm a slut, or had sex even. but i gave my heart. its gone. i can't do that too many times simply because of my personality type. not only is there a giant freaking hole in my heart, my vision is clouded, my goals are grayed; to put it simply, the sky is a little bit less blue and the grass is a little bit less green.

i wrote something. and when people read it it looks like i want to commit suicide. so i'm not gonna post it, because i'm nearly positive the people in the white coats are gonna come for me once people read it. because i look like i feel into an abusive relationship. believe what you want.

you know what else? believe what you want about me for posting this. i'm not afraid to express my feelings. i'm not afraid to be truthful. i don't care anymore about how i look to calvary chapel mid valley or if i'll spoil my reputation. you all think i'm a slut anyway. you tell me to my face.

am i crazy?

my song of the week is lucy, by skillet. so sad. so tender. so sweet. so heartbroken.

this is who i am. accept me.