Stop Breaking My Rules

Have you ever been so broken that you don't even do the thing you love most? I thought that the ache in my life couldn't get any bigger. I relied on my words and my poetry, but when i pick up my pen, nothing comes out. My mind runs blank, and the only thing that escapes is tears. Tears for you, tears for me. I don't cry. I never cry. I hate tears. Tears mean weakness. Tears stand for everything that I am afraid of. I refuse to face my fear, because i know that it will defeat me every time. I am held prisoner to the thing i want most to escape.

Now that it's all said and done,

I can't believe you were the one

To build me up and tear me down,

Like an old abandoned house.

What you said when you left

Just left me cold and out of breath.

I fell too far, was in way too deep.

Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.

I should've started running

A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,

I'm better off without you

More than you, more than you know.

I'm slowly getting closure.

I guess it's really over.

I'm finally getting better.

And now I'm picking up the pieces.

I'm spending all of these years

Putting my heart back together.

'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,

I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,

Dragged the memories down the hall,

Packed your bags and walked away.

There was nothing I could say.

And when you slammed the front door shut,

A lot of others opened up,

So did my eyes so I could see

That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.

I should've started running

A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,

I'm better off without you

More than you, more than you know.

I'm slowly getting closure.

I guess it's really over.

I'm finally getting better.

And now I'm picking up the pieces.

I'm spending all of these years

Putting my heart back together.

'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,

I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.

I should've started running

A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,

I'm better off without you

More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.

I should've started running

A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,

I'm better off without you

More than you, more than you know.

I'm slowly getting closure.

I guess it's really over.

I'm finally getting better.

And now I'm picking up the pieces.

I'm spending all of these years

Putting my heart back together.

Well I'm putting my heart back together,

'Cause I got over you.

Well I got over you.

I got over you.

'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,

I got over you.

-Over you, Daughtry

Anne Frank was my ancestor. (This is a lie, too. Just. Like. Yours.)

you never read this, anyway.
I ask you to.
I bribe you to.
You say you care.
where?
when?
how?
Is your version of caring pain?
Is your version of caring lying?
Is your version of caring doing everything possible not to make me happy?

You told me that you would do anything for me.
You told me you would die for me.
When I call you out, you don't remember.
Why won't you remember me?
Do you remember what we've been through?
Do you remember how we've grown?
Where's your memory now?
Lost inside someone who doesn't know you like I do.
Lost to a someone who can be enough for you, like i'm unable to be.

You think I hate you. You cry because you think I hurt.
You cannot possibly fathom what you have done to me.
I am but a shred of what i know is right.
All I am is lost to someone who held on to integrity.
I finally realized that if someone like you can never accept someone like me,
Then all I am is lost.
Because you lie to keep me. You hurt to keep me. But for what?
For your own selfish gain.

You told me I'm not enough. You told me I'll never be enough.
You told me you love me.
Why can't the people you love be enough for you?

Why would you lie to someone you care about?
The sadness. You created. The shame. You created. The anger. You created.

I cry because i know you've hurt me.
I hurt because I have nothing left to feel.

Don't Be a Stalker.. Na Na Na...

"Are you ready for an adventure kids??"

That is how today started out, at 4:46 pm. Normally, i am more than ready for an adventure. However, this adventure included stalking someone who doesn't really like being stalked.
Basically, i invited myself to Josh's baseball game without telling him, and took Sharai and Ashley with me. :) Doesn't that sound fun? I know. It totally does. However, we got stuck in like an hour of traffic. The field was like half an hour away.. so it should not have taken as long as it did. Plus, it was over 100 degrees with no air conditioning..

Still thinking of this as an adventure?? Please put your thinking caps back on.

Anyway, we finally make it to the college. Not only do we get lost INSIDE of the college, we cannot find the baseball field to save our lives.. we have to TAKE A PICTURE OF THE DIRECTORY and follow the picture.. up three hills... and through an old lady who had literally no idea where the stupid field was.

Finally.. we arrived.
the baseball field!!
One would think we would be happy about finding this.
But guess what.


Take a guess!!!

The baseball field was EMPTY...
YEAH, you heard me. Empty.
They were playing at a different field.

But wait!! it gets worse!!
As soon as i call up Sylvia for the right directions, our dear friend Ashley gets an unfortunate phone call. Her father is yelling at her to come home immediately. Because Sharai and I are such good friends, we go. We go home. To await doom and destruction.. and more traffic.


That was my afternoon. Definitely the adventure of a lifetime, and I am ready to do it all again tomorrow..

Boyproof

"I let you in," I say, "because I thought you liked me."
I head for AP Global History.
"I do like you, " Max says, following me. "that's why i thought I could be honest with you. Egg, i'm not interested in tiptoeing around someone's feelings."
But i can't be honest with Max. I don't say what i really want to say, which is i thought that Max Carter liked me, like a girl, like I was pretty and special.
I can't even see in front of me, I'm so upset.
I get into the classroom, and the early sun's light crosses in lines that make me angry. I slide in behind my desk and slouch into my chair and fume. I try to think about something that makes me happy, but nothing springs to mind. It is all overpowered by my feelings like an idiot for thinking even for half a second that i liked Max or for stupidly thinking that maybe he liked me back. I can't believe i got myself thinking that it was something real. It drives me insane that I would lose to some girl like Nelly.
Girls like Nelly always win.
I'm always going to be invisible.
Max turns around in his chair to face me. I lean over and pretend to dig something out of my bag.
"Don't turn your back on me," Max says.
"I'm not. I'm looking for something."
"Egg..."
"Oh, God! Now I get it," I say. "'Love, and a cough, are not concealed.' That is so lame!"
"You knew that something was going on," Max says. "You never brought it up, either."
"I didn't want to believe it," I say.
"Why is this such a big deal?" Max says.
"Why didn't you tell me? You should've told me. Instead of leading me on."
My heart is bursting. I feel savage.
"I didn't lead you on," Max says defensively.
"Right."
He stares me down, hoping I'll back off. Hoping I'll let him get away with it.
"I guess I didn't want to hae that conversation," Max says quietly. "It seemed complicated."
"There's nothing complicated about it," I say. "you're just another shallow person pretending to be deep."

-boyproof, by cecil castellucci, page 142-143.