Birthday Cake

There's nothing that can hurt worse than the feeling of being unwanted.

Is It Really My Fault?

Some things I will never understand. Some, i'm not meant to understand. Some, i am meant to understand, but are so far beyond me i don't even try. One thing that i am really trying to wrap my head around is the importance of sex in our culture.

Yeah, you heard me. I said the s-e-x word. I said sex. As in sexual intercourse. Would you like me to be a little more graphic? No? Oh wait, society has already ripped the significance and sanctity of the act to shreds.

But what i cannot wrap my head around is why it dominates every SINGLE part of our life, culture, and society, even if it isn't on purpose. At the risk of being inappropriate, A goes in B, thereby producing C (the elusive and god-forsaken orgasm). What is so special about this? Why does it seem to be the ULTIMATE forbidden fruit? The thing we as Christians think we miss out on so badly in a moral and Godly relationship. Other primitive urges we seem able to handle: anger, hatred, envy, greed. Major problems arise from these other urges, it's true. But lust seems to be the crux of life. Why? What monster have we created for ourselves? This lust driven world we live in is so ridiculous: i am unable to live an hour in this world without being blasted at some point or another by some form of sexual innuendo, crude comment, or self-focused sexual urge.

Yeah, you heard me. I mentioned that I have sexual urges. I'm not gonna lie. Probably more than i should have, for a girl of my age. These urges have been a major point of the undoing of my spiritual relationship with God. I thought i was on the right track; how could something as meaningless and trivial as a sexual urge bring me down? But, in my defense, I grew up in this world. I am the one who has to walk around looking at what society tells me is attractive, sexy, hot, fulfilling, satisfying, and needed. What else am i supposed to think?

You Can't Save Yourself

and yes, i do realize that i am posting twice. however. this one is an old one, but very thought provoking and rather emotional. a fitting note.

you. you. you. you.
get out.
of my head.
you live in my heart.
escape now, while you have the chance.
Because i'm a nut job for you.

you. you.
Have i explained that you stifle me?
I'm choking. I'm smothered.
I am buried alive in a world of self-loathing and regret.
I thought you.
you. you. you.
could save me. But you didn't.
You gave someone else a shot. You gave the shot to me.
But don't you know? You can't save yourself.

Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally

Wearing moccasins hides my tracks
I run so i don't face the facts
That you're gone, never coming back.
I've replaced my heart with something worse
It feels like I've placed a curse
Upon the best of me.

My own worst enemy is this thing known as my heart
You hate me, you hurt me, you leave me with
My own worst enemy is tearing me apart
You burn me, you cut me, you leave me with

Hidden myself among the ashes
As the tears fall from my lashes
I have no choice but to accept the broken
And face the worst of me.

Life Lessons

yes, dear readers. i do realize i already posted today. But i have been laying in a bed for five days and i have thought oh so very hard on many topics. Here is the first.


Life Lessons Learned in the Princess Diaries Novel Series:

• The bloomin' onion is made at Outback Steakhouse, not Applebees, contrary to popular opinion.
• Grandparents should NEVER wear sweatpants with writing on the butt, such as "juicy" or "hot stuff."
• In order to achieve self-actualization, one must first discover their calling in life.
• Just because you hate your best friend, it does not give you the write to make a website that calls out all of their fashion snafus, such as black mary janes with white tights, and black leggings with school shoes.
• If you become famous, as impossible as this is to believe, the only reason hot popular boys are going to want you is because they want to be famous also (unless they are hot nerdy boys who happen to have invented a bionic arm used in heart surgery)
• Never, NEVER do a sexy dance while drunk at your own birthday party. But if you must, please, for the love of all that is holy, do it with your actual boyfriend.
• Warn your mother against dating your algebra teacher; however, if she goes for him anyway, please make sure he has a drum set before anything gets too serious.

and lastly, but definitely not least, here is the most important of all:

• sometimes you just need to shut up and let yourself be kissed.

I am safe in his arms

Safe -Phil Wickham

To the one whose dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think you're on your own
But you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong and never let you go
oh you're not alone

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise he made
He will be with you always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in his arms

Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the same very voice that calls you to rise
So hear him now he's calling you home
You will never be alone

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise he made
He will be with you always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

These are the hands that built the mountains
The hands that calm the seas
These are the arms that hold the heavens
They are holding you and me

These are the hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
To break our chains and set us free