I Never Would

I will always be strong.

I have to be strong.

It's who I am. 

Even when it feels like this: 

"When the concepts of love and hate become nothing more than wishful thinking because you simply can't imagine something greater than sadness and inadequacy.

When you will literally do anything to feel alive- if only for ten minutes.

When you're afraid to go to sleep because you know you'll be crushed that you woke up in the morning.

When you don't understand why you are here; and that you know that you are breathing the air that belongs to someone else. 

When getting up to eat becomes too much of a chore; and when you convince yourself to eat, you loathe your body for betraying you into doing the one thing that makes you feel worse.

When you know that you are the only one who feels this way; and when you know that it makes you alone.

I hate myself tonight. 

I hate myself for needing to make choices in the moment. 

I hate the choices that I've made.

I hate the people who have hurt me.

But most of all, I hate myself because I hurt myself."

Even when it feels like that, I know that I am strong enough to live to fight another day. 

Frustration

I guess I just don't understand how everyone else can do it and I cannot.

Don't Love My Body and I Won't Love Yours

Let me just say that I am no feminist.

I am probably as far from feminism as you could possibly be. Unlike many women of this age, I would probably ENJOY making my significant other a sandwich. Sandwiches rock.





However, something was brought to my attention that is not only worth writing about, it is worth attempting to change a lifestyle of both men and women.

I have overheard conversations of multiple friends where they have commented that they "love their girlfriend/boyfriend's body."

I wonder if  they realize how degrading that is to their significant other. When asked about the relationship or what they like about their partner, all they can think to comment on is a fleeeting product of energy spent on themselves? Out of the hundreds of characteristics; out of the very soul of a person destined for great things, they comment on something that is currently decaying and dying no matter what they do about it?

When my future husband describes me, I don't want to hear that they love my body. They can tell me that in the budoir (hell, if we're in the budoir I should know that they love it wink wink) I don't want to hear that I'm sexy or hot. I want to hear that I am worth loving; every piece of me- every ounce of the soul that lives forever is worth serving. That my faults are just as wonderful as my strengths because that is what makes me ME. That the amount of muscle in my thighs and stomach are not nearly as comparable to the amount of time I read the Bible or desire to grow closer to my Savior. That they are not hungry for my flesh; no, that they are hungry for my soul.

I will leave nothing to be desired in my body; it is a temple and I want to treat it that way. But that is not worth loving. I am worth loving. Trinity Cuff is worth loving.

Collide

I swear one night isn't enough
And one passing glance isn't love
But I knew when your eyes met mine
As the clock struck at half past nine
There was no going back, no
No getting off this road

You made me wanna write a love song about you
You made me wanna never forget about you
Sometimes life has a funny way of showing up
And sometimes fate has no way of giving up
Until we collide


unfinished, of course.

Freedom without Regina in our lives. (No, Not Regina George)

Do you watch that show "Once Upon a Time?"

My best friend and I have been avidly watching the seasons on a nightly basis, and one character that repeatedly breaks our heart is that of the evil queen, who in this show is named "Regina."

Regina's entire life has been a manipulation; she has been the puppet strung along to her mother's dainty whims, and in the end she became more evil than anyone in the show (except for her mother.) She refuses to make good choices (except when they affect her well being) and continually hurts and deceives the "good" characters until she is left with no friends and no resources.

By the end of season 2, her mother has died, she has discovered that she was manipulated into being evil, and she has lost her son to his biological mother; further, that son wants nothing to do with her and begins a campaign against her to destroy her.

Most people feel bad for Regina.

I don't.
wanna know why?

I identify with Regina. I don't think I deserve people's pity, sympathy, or even empathy for the wrongs that I commit. I am human, yes, and my sin is the same as other people's, yet something about the wrongs that have been committed against me fuel my desire to get even- and that takes me to another whole level of evil.
Therein lies another reason I identify with the evil queen- I'm bad, and I know it. I know it and most of the time, I embrace it. I breathe it in and let it consume me.

We all do that. We all should identify with the desire for power, the need for evil to consume us because then we feel unbeatable, the blood lust that unleashes our desire for revenge toward those who have broken our hearts.

You know what we need? A savior (Enter Emma)
Emma is the savior of Storybrooke. She defeats the evil curse that has enveloped the town; and, for a time, she defeats Regina's evil and strips her of her evil magic.
Jesus has defeated the evil curse that sin has put over our hearts.

We no longer have to choose to be Regina. And that is freedom.

Strength

What makes you all believe i'm so strong
I don't think so, but I could be wrong.
Strength lies not in reactions to pain
But in a life where the finished product is gain.
Why can't I stop this?
Why can't I hide?
I don't want to be strong
or show off my pride.
I want whispers that scream out my name
And blankets of glory that won me this game.
Play it I shall, and win it I will,
The big plays are what give me the thrill.
At the end of the day all that strength shows
Is that once weakness invaded my woes.

Crazy Stupid Love

I met my soul mate when I was fifteen years old and I've loved her every minute, every day since I first bought her that mint chocolate chip cone. I have loved her through the birth of our three perfect children. I have loved her, even when I've hated her. You married couples will understand that one. And I don't know if it's gonna work out, I don't know what' gonna happen. I'm sorry, Robbie. I can't give you that. But I can promise you this, I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one, you never give up.

Sonnet 19

When haunting melodies start with us
The chorus ends with lack of trust
All that's known is thrown in twist
And now,
pretend my world does not exist.

When symphonies erupt with fire,
Candles burn down to the wire
Forget me not the written verse
And now,
Compose mystery within this curse.