Boyproof

"I let you in," I say, "because I thought you liked me."
I head for AP Global History.
"I do like you, " Max says, following me. "that's why i thought I could be honest with you. Egg, i'm not interested in tiptoeing around someone's feelings."
But i can't be honest with Max. I don't say what i really want to say, which is i thought that Max Carter liked me, like a girl, like I was pretty and special.
I can't even see in front of me, I'm so upset.
I get into the classroom, and the early sun's light crosses in lines that make me angry. I slide in behind my desk and slouch into my chair and fume. I try to think about something that makes me happy, but nothing springs to mind. It is all overpowered by my feelings like an idiot for thinking even for half a second that i liked Max or for stupidly thinking that maybe he liked me back. I can't believe i got myself thinking that it was something real. It drives me insane that I would lose to some girl like Nelly.
Girls like Nelly always win.
I'm always going to be invisible.
Max turns around in his chair to face me. I lean over and pretend to dig something out of my bag.
"Don't turn your back on me," Max says.
"I'm not. I'm looking for something."
"Egg..."
"Oh, God! Now I get it," I say. "'Love, and a cough, are not concealed.' That is so lame!"
"You knew that something was going on," Max says. "You never brought it up, either."
"I didn't want to believe it," I say.
"Why is this such a big deal?" Max says.
"Why didn't you tell me? You should've told me. Instead of leading me on."
My heart is bursting. I feel savage.
"I didn't lead you on," Max says defensively.
"Right."
He stares me down, hoping I'll back off. Hoping I'll let him get away with it.
"I guess I didn't want to hae that conversation," Max says quietly. "It seemed complicated."
"There's nothing complicated about it," I say. "you're just another shallow person pretending to be deep."

-boyproof, by cecil castellucci, page 142-143.

Ipod Playlist for the Day

1. Should've When you Could've -Skillet

2. I Hate Myself For Losing You -Kelly Clarkson

3. Savior -Jeremy Camp

4. Sleeping With a Broken Heart -Alicia Keyes

5. Savior -Skillet

6. I Can Do Better -Avril Lavigne

7. Enough -Chris Tomlin

8. Don't You Know You're Beautiful -Seabird

9. Falling to Pieces -The Script

Diaretic

When the lights go off
I feel as though i'm lost
What's it gonna take
To turn them on again?

A melody to you
A symphony of me
A harmony of us
So you can finally see
All I have to lose
You just have to be
Someone that I love
A new Antigone.

Freedom is Alone

Freedom lies with loss
It sleeps with danger
For in searching to be free
I become a stranger

For I am lost to my reality
Far away from home
But I have finally reached
Where i am free to roam

Freedom lies with death
I seek that place of peace
For in the still of solitude
All my thoughts do cease

No Title for a Broken Heart. hahahahaha.

Can't you just leave me alone?
Find someone you're own size to hang on to.
We're done. you chose.
It's the curse of the Tuesdays.

All I Need.

This has been on my heart all day. I know I can never live up to the standards of the greats.. like Andrew Cuff, but i do my best.

All I Need

She never thought that she was alone
Until he left her.
All those thoughts and dreams turned to stone.
Where are you?

I'm holding, I'm clinging
All I am, All I need
Is the promise of tomorrow to bring me to my knees.
All I want, All I need
Is the love that you have shown me, Jesus.
You're all I need.

Every day is a hard-earned fight
To become herself.
But when His prize is so clearly in sight
She knows you're there, I know you're there.

I'm holding, I'm clinging
All I am, All I need
Is the promise of tomorrow to bring me to my knees.
All I want, All I need
Is the love that you have shown me, Jesus.
You're all i need.

Repark the Car, Dang It.

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more
-More, by Matthew West

So i had just finished reparking my car because i did not like the way it was facing, when i decided to have a talk with God. Now please understand, I had not been talking to God for some time due to the fact that I was mad at him.
However, i was unable to say anything. Words could not come out of my mouth because I was literally so angry i could not speak. (Take heed, i did all of this while sitting my car. I've decided that my car is a fitting sanctuary.) I knew that I really needed to talk to God however, and I was going to sit there as long as it took until I stopped being mad. Music usually loosens me up, and i decided for the first time to pass Shakira, Jason DeRulo, even Kelly Clarkson until i was only listening to worship music. One of my favorite songs is More by Matthew West because i firmly believe in God's love. While I was doubting his faithfulness, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that He loved me more than I could possibly know. So when my ipod randomly started playing that song, I gave up and lost myself in His love.

He loves me more that the sun and the stars the He taught how to shine. I am his. I shine so brightly for Him too. He loves me. Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow. Jesus Christ will say it again and again. He loves me more.

That's what that song is saying. God loves me more than things people worship. More than the awe-inspiring nature He has created. He created me to shine with His love. Nothing. Else. Matters. Ever. Nobody's opinions, nobody's laws, nobody's mandates. I am me. And I don't have to answer to any standards but Gods. It's so refreshing.