you are not the leftovers.

a couple weeks ago i posted something that i truly believed at the time; while i still believe it, i have perspectified it.

i told the world that i think i am beautiful. why did i do that? so i could sound conceited? definitely not, because the type of beauty that i was talking about was definitely made of up inner beauty and a full and enriching personality. Even still, a full personality and inner beauty is not attractive. some may think it is, but i am under the impression that if there are two girls in a room, one has beautiful physical features and one is average but has a "beautiful personality," there is no way in hell that any sane guy would go up to the average girl unless he has a confidence problem. I agree that further on in a relationship, if the hot girl turns out to be a total wierdo, then yes, he might look back on that room and say, wow. the average girl was probably the better choice. But honestly, what girl in their right mind would want to be chosen second? That is probably the worst insult a guy can throw at a girl, that they aren't good enough to be chosen first, and are left for second best. Ew. i hate that phrase. No girl deserves to be second best. Find a guy that chooses you first. Don't be the leftovers. Have some self respect.

i still hold fast to the theory that innerbeauty does nothing without outerbeauty. and i make them into one word because that's the only reason there is beauty. Either its inside or outside; either way, its there. and beauty can't be by itself. it has to have a factor of something that MAKES it beautiful. beauty cannot survive by itself. it needs a host.. and people who want to be beautiful hold fast to that beauty, and become the host for that word. be beautiful. choose it. embrace it. but make sure that your outer beauty is more important than innerbeauty, because as long as you aren't dead, it won't matter if you are nice, kind, meek, smart, self respecting, modest, or generous. You are still gonna be ugly.

the list of life. in importance of meaning.

alright ladies and gentlemen, i am going to attempt to get what's in my head onto my blog without hurting myself or my general situation in life.

hmm. maybe a list?
do you think i do blogs right? i think i do them wrong, because sometimes i look over the shoulder of people who do them right and they actually have TOPICS. like who the heck actually has topics? maybe i think of my blog as a diary. but that seems so girly. heck, i am girly. but i do want to be meaningful.

Does my life have meaning?
That seems to be the question of life. I guess it depends on the meaning of meaning, and the meaning of life. Some say life means 42, but i guess that's just the nerds. Some say life means love, but what about the lack of love required to function? Some say life is nothing, just a vapor. If life is simply a vapor, why does what we do in this vaporous life affect us for eternity? Why would there be consequences if something lasted for a fraction of a second? Some say meaning means what you do with your life. Some say meaning means what other people do with your life.
Meaning, in general, has no meaning. To describe it, I have to put what means something. Everything has to have meaning.

I want meaning in my life. Right now i'm listening to Inside Out by Hillsong United. They say that the meaning of life is to give glory to God. To much of the extent that most agree with, I too agree with this explanation. However, what does that mean? Giving glory to God is not something that you can just DO. It has to reflect actions, words, feelings, thoughts, everyday life. I don't want to say i give glory to God and then go off in my own little world, because if i do that, my life won't have the complete meaning it's supposed to have. True glory comes from selflessness. I am not being selfless in my life. If i were being selfless, i would feel peace. But being me, I am not letting myself achieve this glory that's meant to be given to God. I am still attempting to take control. Why can't i give this control up? i want to give my glory to God. i want my life to have meaning. I know that to an extent, my life does have meaning. However, i am refusing to give this up. C'mon, subconscious, get your act together. I want to live.

next item on the list.

love.
what the heck is that matter with me? trinity, you need to get out of your head and get your act together. you can't love. you aren't ready for anything that serious and lasting. you weren't ready for it the first time, and look where you are now. you weren't ready for it the second time, and you are still having lasting repercussions in your heart. The third time i really want it to be the last time, so what i'm thinking about is either from God or straight from the devil. If its from the devil, i am really naive and dumb. love is not for me at this time most definitely.

en mi corazon... donde?

i am so happy about life. :) God has filled me with his peace and joy in a time when i should be anxious and sad. Today i went to church with my friend josh and while i was there, God just showed me such a powerful vision of what my life will be like in a couple years. i will be working for God's glory. He also made mention to me that i don't have to be ashamed of Him, that nothing else matters other than Him, and i can be myself no matter what the cost. I truly felt God's presence, and i think Josh did too because we were both touched in seperate ways. i love church!

my song of the week. :)

According to You
by Orianthi


According to you
I'm stupid
I'm useless
I can't do anything right

According to you
i'm difficult
Hard to please
Forever changing my mind
I'm a mess in a dress
can't show up on time
Even if it would save my life
According to you
According to you

But according to him
i'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head
According to him
i'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
So baby tell me what i got to lose
He's into me for everything i'm not
According to you

According to you
i'm boring
i'm moody
You can't take me any place
According to you
I suck at telling jokes because i always give them away
I'm the girl with the worst attention span
You're the boy who puts up with it
according to you
according to you

But according to him
i'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head
According to him
i'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
So baby tell me what i got to lose
He's into me for everything i'm not
According to you

I need to feel appreciated
like i'm not hated
oh no
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad ur making me dizzy

According to me
You're stupid
You're useless
You can't do anything right

But according to him
i'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head
According to him
i'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
Baby tell me what i got to lose
He's into me for everything i'm not
According to you
According to you


According to you
i'm stupid
i'm useless
i can't do anything right

oh canada.

hey world.

i don't know who reads this, and frankly, i don't care. my thoughts that i share, i share to everyone. because i feel that somehow, somewhere, maybe someone else's life and thought processes will be affected from mine.

i had an amazing day. Eight hours on the road is enough to clear my mind, and i see life again. I feel like God has lifted the cloud of heaviness from my heart. Focus Trinity. The bible says "set ur mind on things above, not on things of this world." think about that. dwell on that. why should i have a care of what happens to me in this life? God is the only thing that should matter, and when i am feeling down, i need to turn to him. Life is so simple, and even though we are made to have emotions, and made to feel, the feelings are a gift from God, and we should be praising him even for that. No matter how down the feelings make us "feel", haha, they are so special because they give us the option to have personality.

i want my personality :) i like it. Even though i am a bit quirky, and even though sometimes i am not ladylike, i love myself. I love who God has made me to be. yes, i have my faults. Yes, i do get hard on myself. Yes, i am selfish and conceited, and everything else that i really don't like about myself. But you know what? God made me that way. He loves everything about me. i am beautiful. i can finally say that. For so long in my life i compared myself to everyone around me. I saw only my faults, and only my weakness. God has prepared me for this moment in my life, when i look around and see that nothing matters except God. It really doesn't, when i think about it. Am i going to be playing softball in heaven? no, lol unless we get an intramural game going. Am i going to be making out with guys in heaven? definitely not. haha. God has put his divine plan in my life, and i am ready to follow.

i met something. it has changed my life. technically i didn't meet it today, but the lightbulb flipped. im not sure what this means for me. I don't even know if this is God's plan for my life. I don't think it isn't though, so i'm going to just follow this road. hopefully it works. It will be the first time something ever has worked like this, so let's let the fireworks begin, eh?

enogsiefil

where has she gone?


laying, crying, this hopelessness builds
whereamilost.
have you hidden meaning?
have u hidden hope?
you. you have hidden it from yourself.

you know where life lies.
you know the answer.
my question, is
what is the question?

attempting to breathe, my thoughts contract
idon'twantoexist
have u mentioned life?
have u ceased to be?
i don't want to be carried, broken as i am.

fix me first.


look at me a year ago. i am not like this. this is not me. but somewhere, somehow, that trinity has ceased to exist. she has no longer kept her grip on the life put somewhere in this mess of a world.


why do i sound so desperate? i thought i felt better. i thought the pain had numbed and turned into a dull ache. but no. it's back in full force. hounding my thoughts and dreams until i no longer want to be at the center of anyone's will, not even my own.