the list of life. in importance of meaning.

alright ladies and gentlemen, i am going to attempt to get what's in my head onto my blog without hurting myself or my general situation in life.

hmm. maybe a list?
do you think i do blogs right? i think i do them wrong, because sometimes i look over the shoulder of people who do them right and they actually have TOPICS. like who the heck actually has topics? maybe i think of my blog as a diary. but that seems so girly. heck, i am girly. but i do want to be meaningful.

Does my life have meaning?
That seems to be the question of life. I guess it depends on the meaning of meaning, and the meaning of life. Some say life means 42, but i guess that's just the nerds. Some say life means love, but what about the lack of love required to function? Some say life is nothing, just a vapor. If life is simply a vapor, why does what we do in this vaporous life affect us for eternity? Why would there be consequences if something lasted for a fraction of a second? Some say meaning means what you do with your life. Some say meaning means what other people do with your life.
Meaning, in general, has no meaning. To describe it, I have to put what means something. Everything has to have meaning.

I want meaning in my life. Right now i'm listening to Inside Out by Hillsong United. They say that the meaning of life is to give glory to God. To much of the extent that most agree with, I too agree with this explanation. However, what does that mean? Giving glory to God is not something that you can just DO. It has to reflect actions, words, feelings, thoughts, everyday life. I don't want to say i give glory to God and then go off in my own little world, because if i do that, my life won't have the complete meaning it's supposed to have. True glory comes from selflessness. I am not being selfless in my life. If i were being selfless, i would feel peace. But being me, I am not letting myself achieve this glory that's meant to be given to God. I am still attempting to take control. Why can't i give this control up? i want to give my glory to God. i want my life to have meaning. I know that to an extent, my life does have meaning. However, i am refusing to give this up. C'mon, subconscious, get your act together. I want to live.

next item on the list.

love.
what the heck is that matter with me? trinity, you need to get out of your head and get your act together. you can't love. you aren't ready for anything that serious and lasting. you weren't ready for it the first time, and look where you are now. you weren't ready for it the second time, and you are still having lasting repercussions in your heart. The third time i really want it to be the last time, so what i'm thinking about is either from God or straight from the devil. If its from the devil, i am really naive and dumb. love is not for me at this time most definitely.