fat women in America. its not inner beauty.

you know what? i had an epiphany today, while watching the preview for "the princess and the frog." which, by the way, my friend partly drew. so go watch it everyone! support his salary! yay!

okay.

my epiphany. ready for it? its going to be quite controversial.

the whole "inner beauty is way more important than outer beauty" hype is turning women in America fat.

fat, i say.

i mean, honestly. what woman in the world, when told that her heart is more important than her tummy and thighs, is not gonna eat chocolate? why should she stay thin? why should she work out? i mean, honestly. if America keeps telling women that we are more beautiful on the inside than the outside, we are actually going to start believing it, and men are going to have to start dating chubbier women. I mean, who really believes the hype that men go for personality... WRONG. i don't know any guy, who, when faced with a picture of a gorgeous girl and a not so gorgeous girl, will pick the not so gorgeous girl. now some may say "oh well i'm sure that the gorgeous girl is fake. and i would definitely pick the not so gorgeous girl, because i'm sure that just because she is fat or ugly, she must be super sweet. are we this naive? no guy cares for personality. he just cares about whether or not she can provide the pleasure he so desires and craves. think about personality after the deed is done right? most of the time, i would say this is true.

so women, this new year's, don't make a resolution that you will concentrate on inner beauty, thereby winning the ultimate prince charming. get in shape! contract an eating disorder! don't get fat and lazy, choosing the easy way out by saying "it's what's on the inside that counts" because really, in the end, all that is going to count is ur calorie check.

kinda.

hey. i'm feelin better.. kinda.

now that its over, i just want to hold her.

everyone was right. how could i have been retarded? actually, no. that's what i'm supposed to say. i still think i'm right. and i still think that its all gonna turn out okay.

i'm a faker.

i hate it.

but i'm still a faker.

i'm not okay.

i want to talk about this to someone. no, actually, i don't. because this is what they will say.

"i am so sorry trinity. i know, i know you loved. i know you lost. he doesn't deserve you."

the truth is, i don't deserve him. i am a poor excuse for being a girlfriend and a best friend. how could i desert him in his time of need because of my own fear? it's killing me to leave him, and it's only been one day. they say that this pain gets better with time, but i don't think people understand how deeply i love. I made that mistake already, and i will pay for that for the rest of my life. To fall like this AGAIN? how retarded and stupid and naive can i possibly be? the people who say that all guys are out for one thing are right. why is it so important for guys to have sex? find a slut. have sex with her. don't trick her into falling in love with you so that you can have an innocent girl become like all the rest of the sluts. not that i'm a slut, or had sex even. but i gave my heart. its gone. i can't do that too many times simply because of my personality type. not only is there a giant freaking hole in my heart, my vision is clouded, my goals are grayed; to put it simply, the sky is a little bit less blue and the grass is a little bit less green.

i wrote something. and when people read it it looks like i want to commit suicide. so i'm not gonna post it, because i'm nearly positive the people in the white coats are gonna come for me once people read it. because i look like i feel into an abusive relationship. believe what you want.

you know what else? believe what you want about me for posting this. i'm not afraid to express my feelings. i'm not afraid to be truthful. i don't care anymore about how i look to calvary chapel mid valley or if i'll spoil my reputation. you all think i'm a slut anyway. you tell me to my face.

am i crazy?

my song of the week is lucy, by skillet. so sad. so tender. so sweet. so heartbroken.

this is who i am. accept me.

Let it out

Let it out, where?
The world is lost upon itself
The vantage point of my naked soul
Is my Victory.

Give back my future
Erase my past
Throw away my present,
Christmas was last year

Let it out, how?
All i see is crowded streets
No one hears it no one cares
About this.

Give back my future
Erase my past
Throw away my present,
Christmas was last year

The words are mixed, the meaning broken
do you want to know?
Need of want, love of need, want of love
cut me off and shut me down. Now.

who would you wanna be?

im going home on wednesday :)

and i'm gonna be stuck up here all alone for two days. haha that SUCKS.

guess what? i made my own sheet music to a song today :) i was so proud of myself!!

how is it possible that music is the only class i'm minorly failing lol and its my second love? hahaha. i have no idea. but anyway, the song i'm learning is vanilla twilight by owl city.. its a bomb song :)

i miss my boyfriend sooo much. Every moment that goes by without me seeing him makes me miss him so much more than i did before. Every day that i don't see him i feel like my heart tears a little bit more.

i miss my friends and family too :( i feel like up here in nowhere'sville, california, i am not myself. a piece of me is seriously missing from my heart. That piece is Calvary Chapel Mid Valley and the Cuff family residence. When i am there, i feel like i am alive and whole.

and who wouldn't want to be alive and whole?

mine and josh riley's rap. made on skype

yo its j-dawg and yo girl trindizzle... the real lil teezy

hey wawa wassup.. joshriley in the heezy

u better get goin before i hitcha fo SHEEZY

those simpsonites think our raps are real EASY

let us slow it down and let it be spun by trin-TEEZY my NEEZY

WICKA WICKA wawa!!

(i was beat boxing)

now lets speed it up and let it be thrown DOWN

before i make trinDIZZLE make you FROWN

cuz at EXPOSURE she'sa be wearin A BARBIE GOWN

well well are you DOWN?!?!

HEY LOOK!

ITS JAY SEAN

BABY ARE YOU DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN

dowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn

dowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn

(now featuring JAY SEAN)

desserts.

wow. its been a week and a half in only four days.

i don't want to think, i don't want to be awake, i don't want to live. haha well i want to live, but i just have so much running through my mind and i could literally write a blog entry for three hours straight.

lets get down to business and compartmentalize my brain.

1. mi novio is pissing me off.

2. he's really pissing me off.

3. two weeks till i go home. im super excited.

4. softball team drama. not gonna mention it, but its really retarded.

5. i need to pass music.

6. i need to stop sucking at softball.

7. i really REALLY need to stop being a headcase.

8. me and God need to get closer, and i need to make him more of a focus.

9. i could use some sleep. maybe just a little bit.

hmm. which one should i discuss?

1. how could he not tell me? i'm his girlfriend i'm supposed to hear about stuff like this. i want to be there for him when he runs into some tight positions. i don't want to be the girl who comes home to find her boyfriend has completely changed because we haven't spoken in forever. i don't want to be the idiot girlfriend who thinks everything is okay, when in all actuality, he doesn't care enough to tell me important stuff in his life.

2. whoa.

3. i am excited to go home and see my best friend. :) she's been having a rough time of it lately, and i feel i should be there for her. i pray for her, but sometimes i feel like that's not enough and she could really just use a hug.

4. what the heck. i love my softball team, but sometimes we all just implode within each other. there is gossip going on, spite, jealousy, and other stuff that just really sucks. why cant we all just get along?

5. yea. haha i really need to pass music. its so difficult because the teacher goes so fast. i mean, we all know that i'm good at understanding theory, but when it goes so quickly its a lot to process at 9 am!! haha. but really. it stresses me out and i don't like when my parents put so much pressure on me for grades. i mean, i'm paying for college. not them. im working hard and it bothers me when they try to live my life for me.

6. no comment. i really need to get better.

7. i feel like such a beezie to people because i have all these thoughts in my head and i just don't feel like saying nice things. when i act all quiet, people think i'm stuck up or boring. in all actuality, i just don't know what to say because nothing else will fit in my head.

8. i love you God. i need to talk to you more and make more sense of the nonsense in my head. take out the trash, please. clear my mind and make me more like you. prepare my heart to surrender more and more every day.

9. zzz....

i can't look away.

i honestly can't look away. can you?

ur so gay

I hope you hang yourself with your H&M scarfWhile off listening to MozartYou and moan about LAWishing you were in the rain reading Hemingway You don’t eat meatAnd drive electrical carsYou’re so indie rock it’s almost an artYou need SPF 45 just to stay alive[CHORUS]You’re so gay and you don’t even like boysNo you don’t even likeNo you don’t even like No you don’t even like boysYou’re so gay and you don’t even like boysNo you don’t even likeNo you don’t even like No you don’t even like…[Verse 2]You’re so sad maybe you should buy a happy mealYou’re so skinny you should really Super Size the dealSecretly you’re so amusedThat nobody understands youI’m so mean cause I cannot get you outta your headI’m so angry cause you’d rather MySpace insteadI can’t believe I fell in love with someone that wears more makeup than…[CHORUS]You’re so gay and you don’t even like boysNo you don’t even likeNo you don’t even like No you don’t even like boysYou’re so gay and you don’t even like boysNo you don’t even likeNo you don’t even like No you don’t even like…[BRIDGE]You walk around like you’re oh so debonairYou pull ‘em down and there’s really nothing thereI wish you would just be real with me[CHORUS]You’re so gay and you don’t even like boysNo you don’t even likeNo you don’t even like No you don’t even like boysYou’re so gay and you don’t even like boysNo you don’t even likeNo you don’t even like Oh no no no no no no noYou’re so gay and you don’t even like boysNo you don’t even likeNo you don’t even like No you don’t even like boysYou’re so gay and you don’t even like boysNo you don’t even likeNo you don’t even like No you don’t even like…

love the bible. lol

hey.

i'm sick. i have a bleeding boogery nose. isn't that cute??
i'm giving a bible study tonight.. over 1 corinthians 9: 24-27
i'm really excited about it. i think its gonna be helpful for someone tonight. its like God told me what to say. so yea. read it. especially if ur an athlete. haha
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20corinthians%209&version=NIV

should be fun.
i look pretty cute tonight, though, for being a lame sick girl. hahahaha aight toodles.

imma be straight up pissed with this here paranormal activity. haha

so tonight i went to go see this movie paranormal activity.

definitely the first that i've seen of its kind... freakin scariest movie ever. so realistic, and the fact that demons are real is pretty intense..
bleh.

too many dark thoughts in my head.

lets think positively.
you know, i'm really proud of my decision not to drink. i don't judge people who do, and i'm more than willing to discover what the stuff tastes like, but i don't want to be someone who drinks at a party. idk why, i just like being lucid, i guess. haha.


he better text me tomorrow with a good explanation for why he cannot text or call back tomorrow. or imma be straight up pissed.

he is just not that into you

Have you guys ever seen the movie "he's just not that into you"? that movie changed my life. there were many characters and some of them were not people i'd befriend.. haha but the one underlying tone is what caught my attention.

life changing. did you hear me? listen close. this is my life's epiphany.

"you are not the exception to the classic love story, you are the rule. if a guy doesn't want to get a hold of you, he will make up every excuse in the book to get out of it. if a guy DOES want to get a hold of you, no excuse or situation will be able to stop him from calling you."

think about that. let it soak.

stop telling yourself that he hasn't called you because he's been busy, or on vacation, or going to school and is working on stuff. So are you, and you've had time to think about him. All guys think about is their friends, sports, tv, sex, and sleep. if they are christians, they add God into the mix. it's true. you need to think about this and TRY to dispute me wrong.

watermelonny cards.

nothing to write at the moment. sometimes, you know when you have too many thoughts in your head, you just can't get them out? yea. i'm getting one of those this week. i'm in a good mood, but the words just aren't coming out.



i love life. and i love redding, california. joy sent me a nice card today. thanks, joy. :)

so did alyssa greenblatt. a nice watermelonny card. haha.

go away demon of doubt!

my heart hurts for kids who are lost. i was thinking about columbine highschool today, about those poor kids who went through and shot all the kids. i actually visited columbine. its impossible to walk around the campus without getting chills. Then the memorial site is just so.. touching. its impossible to be someone who doesn't care about what happened, no matter what religion you are, no matter what you believe. There is so much leading up to what actually happened, that God's hand was in the situation, its impossible to see otherwise.
The two girls, cassie bernall and rachel scott, were so brave. how is it possible for anybody to be that brave? that with a gun pointed at their heads, they chose the right path. how much more does that make me want to choose the right path, to have that bravery and courage. they each wrote books, or actually books were written posthumously about them, and they are such touching books. They really reach down into the soul. man. they are good.
man. i'm a downer today.
i had some other downer things today happen too. they kinda sucked. they're not something i wanna announce to the world, but suffice it to say i just keep getting doubts. maybe i got a demon somewhere around my head plaguing me. that would really suck. hhahaha.

quiet my soul

still raining. still unattrative. haha i gave an announcement in chapel today about my student athlete ministries me and josh are running so i got all dressed up.. haha. in the wind. i wore a skirt. real smart trinity.

so i was thinking with lauren. i was thinking about my boyfriend, as usual, and i was thinking about how unfair i am to him, that i live 540 miles away, and i say that he still is with me. are we still together even though we live so stinking far? i mean the promise to stay faithful and to continue the relationship is so hard; i mean, i'm faithful, and i have no intentions of being anything different, but i have no idea how hard it is for him, i bet. i mean, he's a good lookin guy, and i bet there's a lot of good lookin ladies who DON'T live 540 miles away who are probably a lot sweeter and prettier than i am. u know? idk. whatever. we're talking about it right now, cuz i just feel SO bad.

yea. just thought i'd put this on the blog. seemed like a good idea.

song of the week. actually its the pondering song of the week.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3k1rJOQPdY

according to my calculations..

huh. the day i get back to my favorite city in the world, it becomes a POURING rainstorm. yes! i just love drowning in a sea of raindrops! ah, well. its not my fault im still in a good mood and had the best weekend of the year due to some well placed family and friends. oh, btw dad. good sermon yesterday. interesting too. anyway, yea.

let's write.
what should we write about? idk.


haha lauren.


talk nerdy to me.

hoo-ha hears a horton.

Do you currently have feelings for anybody?
i love my rafael.

What does your last text message say?
aw, thank you girl. :D

Can you have more than one best friend?
definitely.

What are you thinking right now?
i'm blinded by love.

When was the last time you changed in front of someone?
haha everyone knows i do that a lot.

If you could change your eye color would you?
haha.. idk. i kinda like who i am.

you wearing anything that belongs to someone else?
i am :) his sweater.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
no, actually. haha i think he is thinking about world of warcraft. ;)

What is your hair like at the moment?
In a poney

Are you one of those people who are always cold?
i totally am ALWAYS cold.

anyone said they love you in the last week?
definitely. lots of people actually.

When was the last time you talked to your number 1 on top friends?
i don't have a guy.. i don't think on there...

Who was the last male you talked to?
haha g-g-g-gian..

Why did you last laugh?
haha when i'm with my family we laugh all the time, oh and when i was with sharai at walmart. holy crap.

What were you doing at 10am this morning?
gettin ready for church. <3

What are you looking forward to in the next 3 months?
definitely coming back home. haha
Do you remember your dreams?i remembered last nights!! dean was in it!

last movie you watched?
timeline

Do you have your future childrens names picked out?
haha depends on who i marry

Were you happy when you woke up today?
i was overjoyed. beyond overjoyed..

homehomehomehomehomehomehomehome

in case the title doesn't not spell it out for you, i'm going home tomorrow. YES! hahaha i'm so excited. i'm so happy that i can finally see the people that i love and are my true family. Not only am i seeing my family at home, i am seeing my church family, and they have almost been as much as a family to me as the ones i live with all the time. they have always been there for me when my family went through hard times, and i know that if i needed something this very minute, not one of them would hesitate to drive up here and get me the help that i needed. That is true family. I have so many people back home as my safety net, and i do not know what i would do without them. Just a shout out: :) i got my mom, my dad, my brothers, my boyfriend, my best friends sharai and briana, i got my church big sisters joy and misha, i have my aunties, you-k, tensie, karyn smith, ashlee bouzianne, and so many others that i have failed to mention.

im so excited to see everybody :)

song of the week right here! that's whats up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PnXrfksTjZ8

i have nothing to argue with today except lazy people.

If i were peter griffin, my gears would be seriously grinded. because i am not peter griffin, i would like to politely discuss and emasculate lazy people. LAZY LITTLE PEOPLE. they think that they are all that, and then when it comes down to it, they are just lazy. i hate them. i work so hard to be mediocre, and they do nothing to think that they are great.

i just almost ate my headphone.

Love is the Reason For Living.

you know what i hate? i hate junior highers and freshman and sophomores in highschool who act wayyy older than they are. that really bothers me. They have so much more life to live, and they act like they are so old and mature. Why don't they act their age?? When i was younger, i was so happy to just go miniature golfing with my dad and mom, and i had an amazing time with them. Nowadays, its almost as if kids go from being twelve to eighteen. Family becomes second string, that boyfriend is sure to last forever, and teenage drinking is the norm. Kids who are like 14 make me feel so inferior because they try so hard to have material wants and they really are just little babies. Another thing that bothers me is that they have these guy problems that really are not problems. They ask things on Yahoo Answers like, "omg i lik dis guy but i em nawt sure if he is da 1" like honestly. do they really think people are their forevers at this age? Forever is a LONG time. I'd rather live my live the way i want to without having to cling to the back of a forever while i'm in highschool, thank you very much. I'm 19 and i am just now realizing what forever could in all actuality be. I could have a future with my boyfriend. How scary is that? i'm not going to go so far as to call him my forever, but i sure as heck love the poor boy. I can also safely say that i finally know what love is. Love is not the fact that someone is there to kiss ur neck and show you some attn by texting you things like :"ilybby" like honestly... love is being there through thick and thin and working through relationship issues. love is knowing that no matter what happens, you always have one person you can go to who doesn't judge who you are and what you do. Love is the reason for living.

eeny meeny i wrote a poem!!!

this one that i wrote is very interesting. i wrote it first, and then i decided that the lines were all mixed up. this is my first rendition.

Here I am, what's left I miss
Lost in agony over that last kiss
Why does it take so much out
My soul is left with so much doubt
Forget it.

Lose me, drop me, keep me not
You don't need anything to do with me
Hold me, embrace me, a love
I'm so confused


and the second rendition:

Here I am, what's left I miss
Lose me, drop me, keep me not
Lost in agony over that last kiss
You don't need anything to do with me
Why does it take so much out
Hold me, embrace me, a love
My soul is left with so much doubt
Forget it
I'm so confused

i'm tired of being forgotten.

you want to know what i'm tired of? i'll tell you. i'm tired of being forgotten.
i get taken advantage of in so many freaking ways. i hate that when i move away,
people forget there ever was a trinity cuff. especially when it's people who have claimed
to be my best friend. what freaking liars they are. they don't care about me. why do i have
to be the one who works hard for my friends? for once, can't they see that i am ALL ALONE?
alone. i never truly understood the meaning of that word until i voluntarily left, and in-
voluntarily became abandoned. that is not what i signed up for. once my friends realized
the novelty of a long distance relationship was wearing off, they forgot me. do they really
think that i'll be happy to know that? oh yay! i dont have any more friends! no wonder
i wanted a boyfriend. someone who is there for me when friends leave. someone who doesn't
forget about me, because i kiss him and give him tingly feelings. oh sorry friends. sorry i can't give you tingly feelings, because apparently that's the only way you won't forget
about me, right? wrong. friends are supposed to be there through thick and thin. THICK AND THIN. where is that. tell me? we're in the thin. where are the supposed best friends? gone.
they forgot me.


and you know what? if the friends that i am talking about read this, they are going to be pissed and they are going to claim being busy. and that's fine. but you know what? that's a lie. because it is not hard to text. it is not hard to leave a comment on a survey. it is not hard to have a five minute phone call. i'm done trying. and i'm pissed. and i NEVER get pissed. i live my life in such a way that i have no reason to be pissed. life is too short to get upset over petty offenses, but don't lie to me and tell me you care when you so obviously don't.

i'm hanging out.. another day.

Wanna know what bothers me about Simpson University? The lack of focus on Jesus during chapel. I mean, they focus on his love, they focus on his grace, they focus on his sacrifice, but they are unable to place the focus on God Himself, who is the primary reason we are here on this earth in the first place. All chapels are basically shallow doctrine of how God loves us, but there is nothing about the very deity and amazingness of God himself.



anyway, yea. i just wanted to mention that. i'm kicking butt by the way at 6 ams. HAHA not. maybe today was a little better than tuesday, but i still need to kick it up a notch. the sprints were actually kinda fun, not gonna lie. hahaha what a nerd i am.



oh. ps. i unpacked the box. :) go me.



and i know i keep putting this pic up again. but i love god's mercy in a daily reminder.

i still have to unpack the box.

yea. you heard me. the box that got sent here LAST TUESDAY is still sitting here in the middle of mine and lauren's dorm room. i have the laziest butt on campus. i hate hanging things up and it has like five things left in it, lol.. but still. i HATE hanging things up.

i love my boyfriend. he left me the cutest facebook message, haha. it always happens when i get irritated at him or something, and then he just does something that makes me go awww.

so me and lauren have taken a new course in our therapy. we pass a certain pillow if we want to speak to each other. this really works, especially when we really just want to tear each other's hair out.


sidenote. we've never actually fought.


anyway, i had a really good convo with one of my best friends last night and i have decided to be less of a control freak. i'm hella pushy. that should stop.

aight. i'mma go unpack that box now. no new songs of the week for you. :( i apologize. too scatterbrained.

I'm Just Left

Thinking of things left unsaid
My thoughts destroy whats in my head
The need to see you floods me
And i am lost

Each moment i come, you go
Each moment i am, you cannot be
Every time i try to draw you close
I come up empty

Thinking of things that got in our way
The chance of being with you is gone
Its all i can do to beg you to stay
But you just leave

spirals

sometimes we view god as less than who he is. As he is the Trinity, He has three persons that are Him. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. But each of these forms of God are fully God, and yet they always are. They are not triplets, and they do not shapeshift. hehe. Do you realize how impossible it is to wrap our minds around that concept? God is three, but at the same time, there is only one God. The paradox is amazing, but somehow, it makes sense, and i am comforted. Maybe my mustard seed is growing.

okay. one more thing.
you know what? it's so true. i am worth waiting for until i get married. Anybody who says different doesn't respect me for who i am. Boy or Girl. People who don't respect my decisions DO NOT respect me.
no matter what i say, no matter what i do, there will always be a part of me still in love with you.

TO DO LIST:
fix car.
buy books
get boxes
run
get toothbrush holder
write in blog :)
talk to financial lady
change major and minor
class at six
call coach
throw
get gym membership
send mom's book. :)

http://www.serving-humanity.net/images/ways/miracle.jpg

thinking of you without a car.

so i think that i have a new song of the week. idk. it has nothing to do with me or anything, i just like the way it's sung. its called thinking of you by katy perry. idk. lol i like it.

okay so anyway, yesterday me and lauren went to a different city than the current one we live in, and it was fun :). hehe i love being sober. it gives me a sense of power. hahaha other ppl are like.. WHOA i'm drunk.. and i'm like.. HAHA sucks to be you!!! hehehe. we walked around for a while, saw police men on horses... that was interesting. the horses had like white feet. or hooooooves. or whatever. the beefizzle sent me some cute texts. :) he wants to visit me. that would be nice.

i wonder why i have trouble talking to him on the phone? i mean, we both speak english. i guess i just hate this : "what? oh yea. oh wait you go first.. uh huh.. yea. oh. wait. yea. no what?? wait i can't hear you.." so annoying. especially with people i love. its obnoxious when you're trying to have a conversation.

school starts tomorrow. i'm kinda excited for my psych and english class. just thought i'd mention that since i AM going to college. haha.


i hope my car gets fixed too. bleh without a car.

First Day of School.

I feel like i'm going to kindgergarten, except on the way to kindergarten, your car breaks down. oh. and when you leave for kindergarten, you must leave at five am to be on time. sucks to be me. i have arrived at my school.. happy and headachy.. with a mother in tow. and a true friend as my roommate. that's pretty much cool. not gonna lie.. it would be perfect if it was anywhere but cowtown, usa.

anyway. song of the week is called "taking you with me" by relient k... its a perfect school love song. :) tell me if you like it!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrsWAuBt8iM