Neverending Endings

They flow through my head, like a beat:
You don't want me, You don't need me.
I imagined something more sweet:
Forever we, We'll sail the sea.

You said:
Let's drink of the fountains of sweet bliss
Let's bathe in the rivers of one soul
Nobody can hold us back unless
We let life try to swallow us whole.

Those memories drown out my tears:
You don't want me, You don't need me.
The lies you told bring back my fears
I am still, still ashamed to be.

I say:
What i remember is that first kiss
The baggage has taken a toll.
There's nothing more that I can miss
Except my heart, which you stole.

Alex Goot is my new best friend.

1:40 am.
I love Alex Goot.

My Story

Dear Readers,
I don't know who exactly you people are, but please listen and provide me with your honest and (as unbiased as you can) opinion. There are many who know the situation I am about to reveal, and those who don't should learn that I am not a private person. However, to excuse the third party from embarrassment, I will refrain from using names, dates, and locations.

A short while ago, I became friends with a nice young man. We happened accidentally on our friendship when a group of friends went to In-n-Out, and on the way back I had become so inebriated with caffeine that I requested to lay in the trunk of this young man's car and sing to the stars. My roommate and I made he and a mutual friend cookies, and they liked the cookies so much they proclaimed us our best friends. My roommate's relationship with the boys remained completely offhanded and neutral, while my own relationship grew exponentially with both, both completely platonic in nature. One of the young men I had a class with, and one I had rather theological and spiritual discussions with. Near this period, I had prayed to God that He would give me a friend that I could really share my spiritual visions for the year with, and that I would not be alone at my college that year without spiritual grounding. Needless to say, when I began to converse with my friend about things not of this world, I believed him to be a complete answer to prayer. We decided to lead a Bible study at our school directed toward the athletic department, and with much prayer and supplication, the study took off the ground. Athletes were coming, student's lives were changing, and it was a real answer to the very prayer I had prayed. My friend and I had become closer, with God as our foundation, and it was a very emotionally, spiritually, and mentally strong friendship. The first mishap occured when my friend broke up with his (at the time) girlfriend of quite some time. She was devastated, as was he, but he felt as though God was leading him to do so. The second mishap occured nearly a month later, when I broke up with my (at the time) boyfriend, due to legal matters. Both breakups were harsh, unyielding, and produced much bitterness. However, due to the nature of our friendship, we used each other as an emotional crutch, being there for each other and praying for each other. My friend decided he liked another girl, and although I did not approve, I would offer advice on how to obtain this girl that he liked. Unfortunately, the boy that I liked at the time was my friend. Due to certain events from the past, I was not at all concerned that this boy did not like me, because I figured that he was out of my league, and therefore unobtainable. Imagine my surprise and delight a few months later, when I was told that he too returned my feelings and was ready to give us a chance. Unfortunately, neither of us had stopped to think about the spiritual ramifications of what we had both commited to. The Bible study was going in full swing, with many members, we were both semi-spiritual leaders on our teams at school, and we were both still attempting to uplift the other in the Lord. This is nearly impossible when attempting to take a relationship to a physical level, even if the level is on the lowest level of simple physical touch. We did not put Jesus first in our friendship or newfound feelings, and this is where we made our mistake. After the first round of newfound feelings, my friend discovered that his feelings were not linked to commitment, rather the emotional ties that we had strongly forged in the months before. This led to profuse apologies on his part, telling me that he had not meant the things he said that had meant so much to me in the past. I readily forgave him, believing what we had was a mishap and not designed to go through again. However, instead of giving up on the idea of "us," he led me in a confusing chase that led to much heartache on both of our parts, including his feelings for other girls, my anger in the situation, lies told to each other on both parts, and more physical intimacy where there should have been none. Nowhere in this newfound relationship we had made had we left room for Jesus, where Jesus should have been the leader of our friendship, where he had been in the past. This raucous friendship continued until the end of the school year, when i found out he had gossipped behind my back and said hurtful things about me in order to lead another girl on into believing nothing had gone on between he and I. I became upset with him and quickly ended our friendship, after a long conversation with him. However, a couple days later, he backtracked and apologized and we fell again into our cycle of unhealthy friendship. This continued over the summer, when I saw him several times, and we kept our friendship through text. Over the summer I attempted to go back into our safe boundaries of platonic friendship, but the lines had been crossed and were impossible to go back to. Because I was transferring schools and had not seen him in a while, at the end of the summer I explained to him that I needed to meet up with him to tell him something. We proceeded to meet up and hang out, and it was there that I told him that my feelings had grown into love, and it was impossible for me to remain friends with someone that I loved, but I knew had alternate feelings with other girls. His response was to entice me to fall into our same pattern of physical emotion and closeness, and it was all to easy to fall into that same trap and pattern. He explained that we would not let our friendship die, and that we would remain just as good of friends as we were when we started our "best friend-ness." Unfortunately, a week later, I found out from a mutual friend that he had been telling a different girl all summer that she was his girlfriend. As you can imagine, this hurt me far worse than any other mishap we had gone through, because he had lied to me, used me for physical closeness, and had been living a double life while still calling me "one of his best friends." I called him and attempted to explain the damage that he had caused me, but I don't think he fully understood. I finally told him that I didn't think we could be friends anymore, and that he should call me when he grew up enough to understand what had happened. I have only heard from him twice, once when he attempted to apologize over text message, and once when I was so broken from what happened that I texted him out of sheer desperacy and frustration. Losing him as a friend has hurt me far worse than the lies and deceit that went on in our friendship, and I don't think I'll ever be the same without his friendship. I still pick up my phone on occasion to tell him something that God is doing in my life, but am reminded that I can no longer do that. I still dream dreams that I am not wanted by the one friend I trusted the most, and that hurts so much I do not want to wake up, because I know my dream has finally become a reality. I have finally come to the conclusion that it did take two to ruin what could have been a great friendship, and that I am as much to blame for what happened as he was. While he did lie and deceive me into thinking that I was waiting for a relationship that was eventually going to happen, I tempted and teased my way into his heart, thinking that physical closeness would eventually bring the real love that I so craved in my life. What we both did not realize that what we both were lacking was Jesus' love bringing our friendship back together. We lost focus of what was really important in life, and it caused a destructive path that still has and probably will always have lasting effects. My dear friend, if you are reading this, please know that I forgive you for the anger and hurt in our situations that you have caused me. In the same way, I am so sorry that I let you lose focus of what is really important, and that is Jesus Christ. I never should have pushed you into attempting to feel something you knew would never be real. If we had kept our focus on what was important at the Bible study, which was bringing fellow athletes to Christ, we would never have been ensnared by lies, anger, and deceit. I pray daily for you and your choices to glorify God, and that one day, maybe we can be friends again in the way that God has planned for us to live our lives.

The Passion's There, so it's Gotta be Right.. Right?

Don't you sometimes wish Pink sometimes came out with songs that didn't describe EXACTLY how you feel? That's how I feel.

"..I don't mind it, I still don't mind at all
It's like one of those bad dreams when you can't wake up
Looks like you've given up, you've had enough
But I want more no I won't stop
'cause I just know you'll come around... right?...No I don't believe you
When you say don't come around here no more, I won't remind you
You said we wouldn't be apart. No, I don't believe you
When you say you don't need me anymore.
So don't pretend to not love me at all."

You are so Worthy

holy, holy, holy.

You are so worthy, Father.

All praise, honor, and glory goes to You. No matter what. Please let our prayers and praise be glorified. There is nothing more amazing than to be in Your presence.

I pray that anyone who listens to this is transported to the Holy of Holies for some worship and love.

Expressions

Black is the heart that turns away
The same goes for the one that strays.
There is no hope, or so it would seem
The only happiness lies in my dream.
I know of no outlet, I feel there's no cure
Because to be clean I have to be pure.
Free gifts are never actually free
And who would give that soul for me?
There is one that takes the shame
The pain that stays that holds my blame.
I found his center, I sought his core
Only then could I be restored.
No more fighting, no more. No more.
When all of my wants have hit the floor.
Never again will I feel so poor
Because my Savior gave all the more.

What a Girl Wants

Hello.
You're cute.
Don't care.

Hello.
You're sweet.
Don't care.

Hello.
You're honest.
I care a little.
Oh, you're ugly?
Don't care.

I hate you, Taylor Swift.

I realized something today.


You ruined Taylor Swift for me.
Most girls who listen to Taylor Swift don't have experiences to back up lyrics, therefore they aren't as deeply cut by what she has to say.

You're Not Sorry- "I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down... and you can say that you're sorry but i won't believe you baby, like i did before.."

Forever & Always- "Once upon a time, I believe it was a Tuesday..And I stare at the phone and he still hasn't called, and then you feel so low, you can't feel nothin at all."

Breathe- "People are people, and sometimes we change our minds, but it's killing me to see you go after all this time... and i can't breathe, without you. I can't breathe."

White Horse- "As i paced back and forth all this time, Cause I honestly believed in you... stupid girl, I should have known."

I'd Lie- "He tells a joke, I fake a smile... That i know all his favorite songs and I could tell you his favorite color's green, he loves to argue.. and if you ask me if I love him, I'd lie."

and my personal least-favorite, You Belong With Me:
"I'm in the room, it's a typical Tuesday night, I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like..dreaming about the day when you wake up and find that what you're looking for has been here the whole time... been here all along, so why can't you see? I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry, And I know your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreams, Think I know where you belong... think I know it's with me..."

I hate you, Taylor Swift..
And in the fashion of the hated taylor swift, i hate ?

ps. If you are making a "sexy" pose on your facebook profile which includes but is not limited to pretending you're holding a secret in your mouth with ur finger going "ssshhhh...", its not cute. Stop doing that.



Taylor Swift Feat T-Pain Thug Story

♦Kaylee'sDaddy♦ Myspace Video

Will You Be My Tetris Friend? :)

http://www.tetrisfriends.com/

this is why i've been losing friends. :)
Don't judge me.
I've been playing for HOURS.
To me, an amazing night includes:

Clearing the board perfectly,
Beating Brandon Takehara,
Beating Sharai,
Ranking up AND being in consecutive first place.

If you knew me at all, you'd accept me.
add me: peroxideblonde

ps. song of the week: I Will Be by Leona Lewis

65 Red Roses

Why do we think of only ourselves and our pathetic lives?
This girl went through more in one day than any of us go through in our entire lives.
And yet. Still she loved. Still she fought. Still she never gave up her hope.
She died, but her legacy impacted me.
Eva Markvoort, you have changed my way of thinking, and, in actuality, a little piece of my life.

What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?

Lobsteria Hysteria

Once upon a time there was a small town by a beach, by the name of SuperSalad. The main population of the town was sand crabs, and they lived quite peacefully and happily. The king sand crab, who's name was Foo-Man-Chu, was a fearless leader who kept the SuperSalad economy thriving. His wife, Ellemenopee, however, was a brooding sand crab who always looked like she was hiding something. The only problem with SuperSalad was that it was occasionally attacked by vicious lobsters. Not only were these lobsters extremely violent when they attacked, they required the poor SuperSaladians to pay a tribute of Five sand crabs a year to work as slaves in Lobsteria, the lobster's mining detention center. Because this ridiculous tribute had gone on for about 25 years, the SuperSalad population was dwindling because there was less male sand crabs for fertilize the female sand crab eggs. To make matters worse, Queen Ellemenopee refused to lay any eggs to have an heir. She claimed that laying eggs would destroy her girlish figure, and King Foo-Man-Chu would leave her, despite his protests. "You are beautiful no matter what, Ellie," he would plead. "It's the inside that counts." But despite his pleas and requests, Queen Ellemenopee continued to take her egg control, thereby achieving her self-proclaimed barrenness. One day a letter was sent to King Foo-Man-Chu requiring the yearly tribute. However, instead of the usual depression the King felt when receiving these letters, the king felt a spurt of rebellion streak through him, and he called the elder sand crabs for a meeting. He quickly explained his plan. "Instead of waiting for the lobsters to attack us, lets face them head on and organize an invasive strike! We can defeat them if we take them by surprise!!" The elders murmured in disagreement. "We are not strong enough," Velcro, the oldest said. "We will be destroyed." The rest of the elders nodded their heads in agreement, and then one spoke. "Maybe if we had one to challenge as a champion we would survive, but who?" The king considered this. "Maybe we could hold a tryout of all the able-bodied men in the city, and see who prevails," he said. And so the date was set for the tryout. Letters were sent to the furthest parts of SuperSalad, and soon it became the talk of the town. The letters stated that the only requirements were that the participant must be able bodied, and it must hate the Lobsterians. The day of the tryout, hundreds of able bodied sand crabs lined up outside of the arena, where the tournament tryout was to be held. All the participants wore helmets, and all were prepared. Once all the spectators were seated in the arena, the procession of hopefuls entered the ring, and King Foo-Man-Chu stood, his Queen beside him. He quickly explained the rules. "Basically, we are going to be playing an extremely large game of Simon Says," he said. "The winner will challenge Lobsteria." The audeince leapt excitedly to their claws as the first instructions were given. "Simon Says...dance! Simon says.... dance on one foot! Stop dancing!" As the instructions continued to be called, more and more sand crabs were called out until there were few remaining. Queen Ellemenopee became noticeably more excited as the last five stood in the arena. Instruction after instruction was called, but the contestants did not waver. Finally the king spoke. "We will now move on to the second aspect of the tournament, which is agility and flexibility. Get ready for a game of twister!" The contestants jumped up and down excitedly. As the matt was laid out for twister, four of the five sand crab contestants suddenly started choking and coughing. Slowly they fell to the ground on their backs, and it was mere minutes before they were dead. Only one remained, and when it took off it's helmet, the crowd gasped to see a female sand crab standing before them. As she stood there with her head held high, the audience began to murmur amongst themselves. Offhanded comments were thrown out, such as "its a girl!" and "she doesn't belong here." The elders conferred amongst themselves, and reconvened to have King Foo-Man-Chu make an announcement. "We have decided that there is nothing left to do but have this young lady challenge the Lobsterians. What is your name?" The girl bravely lifted her chin and yelled out for the world to hear: "My name echoes throughout eternity. It is a source of fear, and yet a source of awe and wonder. It is SnoopDiggity." The crowd looked at her blankly. One single voice yelled out, "Really!?" and the entire audience cracked up laughing. Surprisingly, however, SnoopDiggity was not to be deterred. She puffed up her chest and yelled out, "I will defeat any and all Lobsterians! I will journey faithfully to find them!" A sharp brooding voice was heard clearly over the roar. "You will not have to look far to find a lobster, little one." Everyone turned to see Queen Ellemenopee had risen to her full height. "I am Queen of the Lobsters. All will die after I kill this peeon." The crowd was frozen in shock and was quiet. Only King Foo-Man-Chu dared to speak. "You...you traitor!" Queen Ellemenopee scoffed and shrugged off her outer garment, revealing her true lobster self underneath. "Prepare to die, little one!" SnoopDiggity prepared for battle. The two met on the floor of the arena and circled each other. Both struck their claws where they could, and for a while it seemed as though Queen Ellemenopee was gaining the upper hand. SnoopDiggity faltered, but did not go down completely as Queen Ellemenopee struck again and again. All of a sudden, quick as lighting, SnoopDiggity's sword flashed, and Queen Ellemenopee went down, half of her body strewn across the arena. Miraculously, the queen was still alive, but SnoopDiggity had her sword poised over the kill spot. She looked up at King Foo-Man-Chu, but he was too busy grieving over the queen. SnoopDiggity decided to finish it herself. She looked down at Ellemenopee and said, "Be free." The final stroke hit, and SuperSalad was free. The next week, all the tributed sand crabs were brought back to SuperSalad, and the town of SuperSalad lived Lobsteria free for the rest of their days.
The End.

Answer Me

Four days without crying, Two without tearing up.

It doesn't mean I don't want to. It just means i don't know what to do. I don't want people randomly coming up to me and squeezing my shoulders while asking, "Are you okay?" I'm not okay. You should know that. I refuse to just "get over" it.

But at the same time, why shouldn't i be able to get over it? Why should I feel this worthless and unwanted?

Dear God,
Please fix me. I realize now that this has been your plan all along: to make me so broken that I have nothing left except you. I realize that you have such an amazing plan for my life, but the hurt I'm feeling makes me feel so helpless. Please give me the strength and understand to let the hurt be given to you. I can't do this on my own, God. I can't be strong anymore. I can't be myself without You. Put me back together again, and teach me not to be strong on myself. I see now the love that you have shown me this whole time. Your footsteps have been walking, not mine. Keep carrying me, God. I dont want to touch the sand. I'm not ready for that. Hold me high above the waves that threaten to crash my world and my sanity. Your will be done, Father, not mine.
Love, Trinity.

Start the crying record over again. Day 1.

I've set a new record: Five days in a row of crying.

Why Don't You Come

chorus of the day =)

Why don't you come and go with me
Somehow i know i've waited my whole life to see
You standing there with the wind in your hair
I'm as sure as a boy could be.
You are the girl that's been running around in my dreams.

Why don't you come and go with me?
Somehow I know this changes everything
You're standing here
It's crystal clear
I'm as sure as a boy could be
You are the girl that's been running around in my dreams

coolers, chipmunks, and california baptist.

Oh, the stories you collect at college.


Last night, me and my new roommate Alexx were getting ready to go to sleep around 2:30 am. I had brought my water jug to put next to bed, so that if i got thirsty in the middle of the night i wouldn't have to waste bottled water. We were laying there in the dark talking about school and boys, and all of a sudden we heard this really weird noise that sounded like a chipmunk!! we panicked and called my brother, who told us to look under all the furniture for the animal. We pounced on the mattress to try to scare the animal to come out so that we could catch it, and my waterbottle dropped on the floor. We didn't hear the noise after that, we decided to go back to bed. Ten minutes later, we heard it even louder. I screamed and jumped into Alexx's arms. As we were standing there holding each other, i looked at my waterbottle and noticed that it was bubbling. We realized that my waterbottle just had high pressure and was letting off a noise like an animal...


so anticlimactic. HAHA.

If the guy you are with...

Tips for ladies:

If the guy you are with is walking slightly behind you, keep wearing those jeans!! He loves them!!!

If the guy you are with is walking slightly in front of you and texting, he is texting someone he doesnt want you to see. Check it out later.

If the guy you are with is walking next to you, doublecheck: is he walking on the side closest to the street? or is he on the opposite side. Because if he is nearest the street, he cares about protecting you.

If the guy you are with lets you drive everywhere, he is poor and has no money for gas.

If the guy you are with has interesting tan lines on his fingers, check to be sure of his relationship status.

If the guy you are with wears a lot of hats, suggest he take more showers.

My Song of the Week.

Winner.

Darker Than Me
by Trinity Cuff.


If I could teach you to tan,
And help you win the bet,
I would always see you up under the sun.
But you hide in your house,
Cuz your white as a mouse.
Ps. you wont win,
You think you're darker than me.

You got spray tan,
Just to lie to my face and
You spray it around like,
You're darker than me.
And you never say spray,
Or tan in the day.
Its probably cuz, you think you're darker than me.

You got your sunscreen,
sand in your feet,
And you rub it around,
Like you hate it.
But you dont see,
The way that you look,
When your skin
Looks
Like
Some
Milk.

See I got you,
All figured out,
You think everyone tans just to look good.
Boy, You're so vain,
You probably think this song is about you.
Dont you?Dont you?

If I could teach you to tan,
And help you win the bet,
I would always see you up under the sun.
But you hide in your house,
Cuz your white as a mouse.
Ps. you wont win,
You think you're darker than me.

You got spray tan,
Just to lie to my face and
You spray it around like,
You're darker than me.
And you never say spray,
Or tan in the day.
Its probably cuz, you think you're darker than me.

You got your tanning bed,
All figured out,
And you think you're brown when you get out.
But you dont know,
The way that you look.
When your skin looks
Like
A
Koi.

And dont you dare pretend like you know,
Know whats up,
Cuz your skin is white.
Im approaching brown.
Like I cant give you props in the summer
Or tips in the winter
Miami in december
Tryin to look dark in them shorts.
He probably is,
Was acting white until
He find out how dark that my shoulders is.
Mr. pre-madonna,
This is your reminder,
That I think you're dark.
But I'm darker.

If I could teach you to tan,
And help you win the bet,
I would always see you up under the sun.
But you hide in your house,
Cuz your white as a mouse.
Ps. you wont win,
You think you're darker than me.

You got spray tan,
Just to lie to my face and
You spray it around like,
You're darker than me.
And you never say spray,
Or tan in the day.
Its probably cuz, you think you're darker than me.

pretty.

Do you want to know what bothers me?
People who say that models are too skinny and too airbrushed. Do you know why?
They may be fake people, they may not even be real people. But do you know what they are? They are skinny people. And in this life, skinny = pretty. So don't try to tell me that those women aren't pretty. They are beautiful and we all know it.

Now thats not to say that other people arent pretty either. They may be stunning in their own way. But the keyword there is "in their own way."

they still aren't socially pretty.

and you know what?

If they don't get with the program and work to look like everyone else, they're never gonna be pretty enough.

Pretty enough for what, you may ask?

Pretty enough for you to realize they are pretty.

Everlast This, Lollipop

It refuses to go away. Every day i chip at it, little by little, and every day it refuses to disinegrate. The sweet smell and the tasty treat of this little thing brightens my day every day. Every time i open my refrigerator, the pungent odor of crystalized sugar stares me in the face, and i am tempted to lick. Lick. Lick. Slowly, it gets smaller. However, it doesn't really.








it's my lollipop.





say what?
it's only half gone.
it's alive.

It's going to eat me before I eat it.

Stop Breaking My Rules

Have you ever been so broken that you don't even do the thing you love most? I thought that the ache in my life couldn't get any bigger. I relied on my words and my poetry, but when i pick up my pen, nothing comes out. My mind runs blank, and the only thing that escapes is tears. Tears for you, tears for me. I don't cry. I never cry. I hate tears. Tears mean weakness. Tears stand for everything that I am afraid of. I refuse to face my fear, because i know that it will defeat me every time. I am held prisoner to the thing i want most to escape.

Now that it's all said and done,

I can't believe you were the one

To build me up and tear me down,

Like an old abandoned house.

What you said when you left

Just left me cold and out of breath.

I fell too far, was in way too deep.

Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.

I should've started running

A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,

I'm better off without you

More than you, more than you know.

I'm slowly getting closure.

I guess it's really over.

I'm finally getting better.

And now I'm picking up the pieces.

I'm spending all of these years

Putting my heart back together.

'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,

I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,

Dragged the memories down the hall,

Packed your bags and walked away.

There was nothing I could say.

And when you slammed the front door shut,

A lot of others opened up,

So did my eyes so I could see

That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.

I should've started running

A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,

I'm better off without you

More than you, more than you know.

I'm slowly getting closure.

I guess it's really over.

I'm finally getting better.

And now I'm picking up the pieces.

I'm spending all of these years

Putting my heart back together.

'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,

I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.

I should've started running

A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,

I'm better off without you

More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.

I should've started running

A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,

I'm better off without you

More than you, more than you know.

I'm slowly getting closure.

I guess it's really over.

I'm finally getting better.

And now I'm picking up the pieces.

I'm spending all of these years

Putting my heart back together.

Well I'm putting my heart back together,

'Cause I got over you.

Well I got over you.

I got over you.

'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,

I got over you.

-Over you, Daughtry

Anne Frank was my ancestor. (This is a lie, too. Just. Like. Yours.)

you never read this, anyway.
I ask you to.
I bribe you to.
You say you care.
where?
when?
how?
Is your version of caring pain?
Is your version of caring lying?
Is your version of caring doing everything possible not to make me happy?

You told me that you would do anything for me.
You told me you would die for me.
When I call you out, you don't remember.
Why won't you remember me?
Do you remember what we've been through?
Do you remember how we've grown?
Where's your memory now?
Lost inside someone who doesn't know you like I do.
Lost to a someone who can be enough for you, like i'm unable to be.

You think I hate you. You cry because you think I hurt.
You cannot possibly fathom what you have done to me.
I am but a shred of what i know is right.
All I am is lost to someone who held on to integrity.
I finally realized that if someone like you can never accept someone like me,
Then all I am is lost.
Because you lie to keep me. You hurt to keep me. But for what?
For your own selfish gain.

You told me I'm not enough. You told me I'll never be enough.
You told me you love me.
Why can't the people you love be enough for you?

Why would you lie to someone you care about?
The sadness. You created. The shame. You created. The anger. You created.

I cry because i know you've hurt me.
I hurt because I have nothing left to feel.

Don't Be a Stalker.. Na Na Na...

"Are you ready for an adventure kids??"

That is how today started out, at 4:46 pm. Normally, i am more than ready for an adventure. However, this adventure included stalking someone who doesn't really like being stalked.
Basically, i invited myself to Josh's baseball game without telling him, and took Sharai and Ashley with me. :) Doesn't that sound fun? I know. It totally does. However, we got stuck in like an hour of traffic. The field was like half an hour away.. so it should not have taken as long as it did. Plus, it was over 100 degrees with no air conditioning..

Still thinking of this as an adventure?? Please put your thinking caps back on.

Anyway, we finally make it to the college. Not only do we get lost INSIDE of the college, we cannot find the baseball field to save our lives.. we have to TAKE A PICTURE OF THE DIRECTORY and follow the picture.. up three hills... and through an old lady who had literally no idea where the stupid field was.

Finally.. we arrived.
the baseball field!!
One would think we would be happy about finding this.
But guess what.


Take a guess!!!

The baseball field was EMPTY...
YEAH, you heard me. Empty.
They were playing at a different field.

But wait!! it gets worse!!
As soon as i call up Sylvia for the right directions, our dear friend Ashley gets an unfortunate phone call. Her father is yelling at her to come home immediately. Because Sharai and I are such good friends, we go. We go home. To await doom and destruction.. and more traffic.


That was my afternoon. Definitely the adventure of a lifetime, and I am ready to do it all again tomorrow..

Boyproof

"I let you in," I say, "because I thought you liked me."
I head for AP Global History.
"I do like you, " Max says, following me. "that's why i thought I could be honest with you. Egg, i'm not interested in tiptoeing around someone's feelings."
But i can't be honest with Max. I don't say what i really want to say, which is i thought that Max Carter liked me, like a girl, like I was pretty and special.
I can't even see in front of me, I'm so upset.
I get into the classroom, and the early sun's light crosses in lines that make me angry. I slide in behind my desk and slouch into my chair and fume. I try to think about something that makes me happy, but nothing springs to mind. It is all overpowered by my feelings like an idiot for thinking even for half a second that i liked Max or for stupidly thinking that maybe he liked me back. I can't believe i got myself thinking that it was something real. It drives me insane that I would lose to some girl like Nelly.
Girls like Nelly always win.
I'm always going to be invisible.
Max turns around in his chair to face me. I lean over and pretend to dig something out of my bag.
"Don't turn your back on me," Max says.
"I'm not. I'm looking for something."
"Egg..."
"Oh, God! Now I get it," I say. "'Love, and a cough, are not concealed.' That is so lame!"
"You knew that something was going on," Max says. "You never brought it up, either."
"I didn't want to believe it," I say.
"Why is this such a big deal?" Max says.
"Why didn't you tell me? You should've told me. Instead of leading me on."
My heart is bursting. I feel savage.
"I didn't lead you on," Max says defensively.
"Right."
He stares me down, hoping I'll back off. Hoping I'll let him get away with it.
"I guess I didn't want to hae that conversation," Max says quietly. "It seemed complicated."
"There's nothing complicated about it," I say. "you're just another shallow person pretending to be deep."

-boyproof, by cecil castellucci, page 142-143.

Ipod Playlist for the Day

1. Should've When you Could've -Skillet

2. I Hate Myself For Losing You -Kelly Clarkson

3. Savior -Jeremy Camp

4. Sleeping With a Broken Heart -Alicia Keyes

5. Savior -Skillet

6. I Can Do Better -Avril Lavigne

7. Enough -Chris Tomlin

8. Don't You Know You're Beautiful -Seabird

9. Falling to Pieces -The Script

Diaretic

When the lights go off
I feel as though i'm lost
What's it gonna take
To turn them on again?

A melody to you
A symphony of me
A harmony of us
So you can finally see
All I have to lose
You just have to be
Someone that I love
A new Antigone.

Freedom is Alone

Freedom lies with loss
It sleeps with danger
For in searching to be free
I become a stranger

For I am lost to my reality
Far away from home
But I have finally reached
Where i am free to roam

Freedom lies with death
I seek that place of peace
For in the still of solitude
All my thoughts do cease

No Title for a Broken Heart. hahahahaha.

Can't you just leave me alone?
Find someone you're own size to hang on to.
We're done. you chose.
It's the curse of the Tuesdays.

All I Need.

This has been on my heart all day. I know I can never live up to the standards of the greats.. like Andrew Cuff, but i do my best.

All I Need

She never thought that she was alone
Until he left her.
All those thoughts and dreams turned to stone.
Where are you?

I'm holding, I'm clinging
All I am, All I need
Is the promise of tomorrow to bring me to my knees.
All I want, All I need
Is the love that you have shown me, Jesus.
You're all I need.

Every day is a hard-earned fight
To become herself.
But when His prize is so clearly in sight
She knows you're there, I know you're there.

I'm holding, I'm clinging
All I am, All I need
Is the promise of tomorrow to bring me to my knees.
All I want, All I need
Is the love that you have shown me, Jesus.
You're all i need.

Repark the Car, Dang It.

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more
-More, by Matthew West

So i had just finished reparking my car because i did not like the way it was facing, when i decided to have a talk with God. Now please understand, I had not been talking to God for some time due to the fact that I was mad at him.
However, i was unable to say anything. Words could not come out of my mouth because I was literally so angry i could not speak. (Take heed, i did all of this while sitting my car. I've decided that my car is a fitting sanctuary.) I knew that I really needed to talk to God however, and I was going to sit there as long as it took until I stopped being mad. Music usually loosens me up, and i decided for the first time to pass Shakira, Jason DeRulo, even Kelly Clarkson until i was only listening to worship music. One of my favorite songs is More by Matthew West because i firmly believe in God's love. While I was doubting his faithfulness, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that He loved me more than I could possibly know. So when my ipod randomly started playing that song, I gave up and lost myself in His love.

He loves me more that the sun and the stars the He taught how to shine. I am his. I shine so brightly for Him too. He loves me. Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow. Jesus Christ will say it again and again. He loves me more.

That's what that song is saying. God loves me more than things people worship. More than the awe-inspiring nature He has created. He created me to shine with His love. Nothing. Else. Matters. Ever. Nobody's opinions, nobody's laws, nobody's mandates. I am me. And I don't have to answer to any standards but Gods. It's so refreshing.

Birthday Cake

There's nothing that can hurt worse than the feeling of being unwanted.

Is It Really My Fault?

Some things I will never understand. Some, i'm not meant to understand. Some, i am meant to understand, but are so far beyond me i don't even try. One thing that i am really trying to wrap my head around is the importance of sex in our culture.

Yeah, you heard me. I said the s-e-x word. I said sex. As in sexual intercourse. Would you like me to be a little more graphic? No? Oh wait, society has already ripped the significance and sanctity of the act to shreds.

But what i cannot wrap my head around is why it dominates every SINGLE part of our life, culture, and society, even if it isn't on purpose. At the risk of being inappropriate, A goes in B, thereby producing C (the elusive and god-forsaken orgasm). What is so special about this? Why does it seem to be the ULTIMATE forbidden fruit? The thing we as Christians think we miss out on so badly in a moral and Godly relationship. Other primitive urges we seem able to handle: anger, hatred, envy, greed. Major problems arise from these other urges, it's true. But lust seems to be the crux of life. Why? What monster have we created for ourselves? This lust driven world we live in is so ridiculous: i am unable to live an hour in this world without being blasted at some point or another by some form of sexual innuendo, crude comment, or self-focused sexual urge.

Yeah, you heard me. I mentioned that I have sexual urges. I'm not gonna lie. Probably more than i should have, for a girl of my age. These urges have been a major point of the undoing of my spiritual relationship with God. I thought i was on the right track; how could something as meaningless and trivial as a sexual urge bring me down? But, in my defense, I grew up in this world. I am the one who has to walk around looking at what society tells me is attractive, sexy, hot, fulfilling, satisfying, and needed. What else am i supposed to think?

You Can't Save Yourself

and yes, i do realize that i am posting twice. however. this one is an old one, but very thought provoking and rather emotional. a fitting note.

you. you. you. you.
get out.
of my head.
you live in my heart.
escape now, while you have the chance.
Because i'm a nut job for you.

you. you.
Have i explained that you stifle me?
I'm choking. I'm smothered.
I am buried alive in a world of self-loathing and regret.
I thought you.
you. you. you.
could save me. But you didn't.
You gave someone else a shot. You gave the shot to me.
But don't you know? You can't save yourself.

Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally

Wearing moccasins hides my tracks
I run so i don't face the facts
That you're gone, never coming back.
I've replaced my heart with something worse
It feels like I've placed a curse
Upon the best of me.

My own worst enemy is this thing known as my heart
You hate me, you hurt me, you leave me with
My own worst enemy is tearing me apart
You burn me, you cut me, you leave me with

Hidden myself among the ashes
As the tears fall from my lashes
I have no choice but to accept the broken
And face the worst of me.

Life Lessons

yes, dear readers. i do realize i already posted today. But i have been laying in a bed for five days and i have thought oh so very hard on many topics. Here is the first.


Life Lessons Learned in the Princess Diaries Novel Series:

• The bloomin' onion is made at Outback Steakhouse, not Applebees, contrary to popular opinion.
• Grandparents should NEVER wear sweatpants with writing on the butt, such as "juicy" or "hot stuff."
• In order to achieve self-actualization, one must first discover their calling in life.
• Just because you hate your best friend, it does not give you the write to make a website that calls out all of their fashion snafus, such as black mary janes with white tights, and black leggings with school shoes.
• If you become famous, as impossible as this is to believe, the only reason hot popular boys are going to want you is because they want to be famous also (unless they are hot nerdy boys who happen to have invented a bionic arm used in heart surgery)
• Never, NEVER do a sexy dance while drunk at your own birthday party. But if you must, please, for the love of all that is holy, do it with your actual boyfriend.
• Warn your mother against dating your algebra teacher; however, if she goes for him anyway, please make sure he has a drum set before anything gets too serious.

and lastly, but definitely not least, here is the most important of all:

• sometimes you just need to shut up and let yourself be kissed.

I am safe in his arms

Safe -Phil Wickham

To the one whose dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think you're on your own
But you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong and never let you go
oh you're not alone

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise he made
He will be with you always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in his arms

Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the same very voice that calls you to rise
So hear him now he's calling you home
You will never be alone

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise he made
He will be with you always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

These are the hands that built the mountains
The hands that calm the seas
These are the arms that hold the heavens
They are holding you and me

These are the hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
To break our chains and set us free

Double Standards: the same amount of ugly for both people.

Something that's been on my mind for a very long time is the topic of double standards. I have a few questions in my mind about them. The first is who decides what the standard is? The second is why does EVERYBODY do it? in my mind, you see, i have my own set of standards. Not just for my life, but for others. What really gets to me, however, is when i use a DIFFERENT set of standards for others that i do for myself. For example, if i hold myself to a standard that allows for me to curse and use bad language, why do i cringe when others around me do the same thing? not that i'm saying i like to curse all the time, but honestly. Everyone does that in their lives, and it can be such a huge problem. This is a different topic, too, from judging. Judging equalizes, in my opinion because the standard remains the same. You may think you are better than other people, however you view all the people you judge as just "people you judge." However, with a double standard, everyone's opinion of other's switches according to what they think of those people. If my best friend is very materialistic (not saying he or she is), who am i to tell her that there is nothing wrong with the way she acts, and then going to someone who i see as less of a good friend and viewing them in my mind as someone who is extremely materialistic, therefore thinking less of her. It is a vicious cycle, one that MUST be broken in order for people to better understand each other. No wonder cliques are made so easily when we judge according to who our friends are. Sometimes its not even that. Sometimes it's people who we WANT to be our friends. They are the alpha dogs of society, and why should we think they do wrong? Who are we to judge them, right? In essence, yes. We shouldnt be judging in general. But if you are going to tell your acquaintance their purse is ugly, make sure you tell ur best friend. Because the purse is probably the same amount of ugly for both people.

legends of a ninja. or, my brain at 1 am.

Trinity Cuff February 24 at 1:04am
once upon a timethere was a ninja. this ninjas name was KEEYA. now keeya had a serious problem. everytime he would attempt a karate chop, his pants would fall down. for some reason, that kept happeneing no matter how many belts he used. as he went up to the sensei, mr. LOOCHOW, his pants began to loosen, because everyone knows one must karate chop in front of the sensei to earn his respect. his face turned red. as he turned around to give his pants one more cinch, he turned around to face his sensei, bowed deep, and executed a BEAUTIFUL karate chop. unfortunately, his pants slid to the ground. all the other ninjas in the dojo began to laugh, except one shy but beautiful ninja who always dressed in pink. her name was CHOWMEIN. as she looked away in embarrassment, KEEYAH hung his head in shame. there was no way to keep his family's name strong if he could not figure out a way to stop this from happening. Because of this, he set out on a journey. a far off journey, that i won't bore you with, because those journeys are often the most boring parts of these types of stories. lets just say he came back cuter, stronger, and with a cooler name. he changed his name to HIYAH!. now when HIYAH! got back to the dojo after a very long journey (see above reference), he noticed that CHOWMEIN had turned into a gorgeous ninja and had dropped the pink of her childhood and now wore the color of the most powerful female ninjas, purple. HIYAH! was lovestruck. he was embarrassed to face her because he knew she would not recognize him. although, he thought maybe he had a chance, except for that one nagging thought that his pants would still fall down. Later on that year, after noone had recognized him and he had completed his training under a different name,he was summoned to the sensei once more. and the sensei said, "HIYAH!, i know you are KEEYAH come back.why do you feel as though you won't be accepted?"and HIYAH! said"because i look like a fool with my pants on the ground"and LOOCHOW said, "HIYAH!, it is what is IN you that counts. even if you have ur pants on the ground"so HIYAH! attempted one last karate chop, a chop he knew would be futile. However, he summoned all the energy he had. and bam! KARATE CHOP! oh no!!!his pants fell to the ground. HIYAH! hung his head in shame as everyone began to titter. he looked up to see CHOWMEIN headed his way. she pulled up his pants, and tied them with her hair ribbon."i knew it was you all along, little KEEYAH. we will do this together."so they attempted a karate chop, this time bonded over the love they shared. their karate chop was so powerful it shook all of china! a piece broke off the edge and became japan. love was found, honor was restored, and KEEYAH was not a fool with his pants on the ground. the end.

Lunar Phase

Draw a heart on your homework,
You say you're in love
Get out of the box of chocolate,
You can't fake it this time.

Draw a heart on your shoulder
It's marked there forever
He leaves you. gone. no more.
What did you think was gonna happen?

Draw a heart on your heart
Noone knows it's there, but you.
Keep it a secret, keep it your choice.
And never, ever, let it go.

buncha craptastic

hi
do you want to know why today was crappy?
crappy day
yep, today was crap. complete
and
total
crap. it was not only crap, it was craptastic.


1. i didn't get a text from my mom. i love those. and i didn't get one. granted, i didn't text her either, but still.
2. i am feeling awful. i got some sore throat and a cough and i am a little worried that it is going to turn into some monster that comes out of my esophagus and swallows my throat. i mean, i'm sure i'm fine, but still.
3. dang it ricky bobby! you got a better grade than me! i know i didn't let it show that i cared, but i freakin tutored you, dude! how did you get a better grade on the amgov test than i did? by two freakin points, no less. i mean, i know i didn't study very hard for this test, and i know i had a headache, but still!
4. other shtuff. usual shtuff. shtuff that i don't care to talk about in a public area. stuff having to do with boys, ex boyfriends, people i shouldn't be talking to. it just hurts to much to think about.



on a brighter note, lets find out what god has been doing in my life, and then i will end with a poem. just a warning though, its really not interesting or artistic at all. its more of a song, and it sucks. when i'm not completely happy, i get minor writer's block.

what has god been doing in my life? let me tell you. he is refining me. i get these amazing epiphanies in the shower, and tonight's was that all the stuff that i view as trials really is stuff that God wants to mold me with. normally i'm all "i don't want to be molded, God! cmon!!"but now, i think i want to be molded. I mean, cmon. what could be better than being pushed bit by bit into the center of God's will? its probably better that we go willingly there, but i am one of those people that really needs a push. haha! but once i'm there, i like to stay there as long as i am able, basking in the thought that i am right where God wants me, and there i can be most used.


aight now for the poem of craptastic crap:

I'm like a kid, i'll play your games
i'm like a bird, i just want to fly away.
i wish i could do both, without failing.
But still i live on, playing and flying.

If i could pick up wings and take my shot
If everyone knew how hard i've fought
You think you know, you know you think
When all you've seen and heard
is me. working out the kinks.

Im like a child, i feel the simple stuff
I'm like an eagle: brave, hard, and rough
Take me simple, know i'm hard,
And accept my name, complete and whole.

If i could pick up wings and take my shot
If everyone knew how hard i've fought
You think you know, you know you think
When all you've seen and heard
is me. working out the kinks.

see? its a buncha crap, huh.

letter to a future.

hey babe.
i only write to you in my head. but i figured it might as well make a good blog entry. i mean, this blog is called "thoughts of love and happiness" you know? might as well keep up the love entries. :)

i have been praying for you for so long. you consume my thoughts because i know you are the one for me. You don't yet have a name, a face, a personality, but you already have my heart. I think that is the most important thing. The best thing about capturing my heart before you know me is that i know that this is real. God has placed you in my soul before we've even met, and i know that you are out there. God has such a plan for us, babe. We are meant to be. And i love the fact that we are called to a greater purpose. The world does not just revolve around you and me. There are others who need us. And we are called together to that. What greater purpose could life hold?

Some people may think it is weird that i have all this stuff to say and i haven't even met you. And if i have, technically i haven't because you aren't "the one" yet. But let me say that i love you. And i have loved before, but it was so selfish. So full of me. So wanting so much, without willing to give anything. And that is not true love. True love gives it all, and has it all by giving everything else away. And that is what i am willing to do for you.


Phil Wickham wrote a song called True Love, and it talks about our ultimate true love, Jesus Christ. I want us to love God together like that. And to grow closer through Him, not each other.

i love you. and i love who you are right now, who you've been, and who you are going to be.

lovelovehate?noloveilovesomuchpeople.ilovepeople.

lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove


my mom reminded me of something so important the other day.
i have such a passion for other people. i love people SO much. i always have to be talking to them, or hugging them, or listening to them, or watching them, or thinking about them.

when does it turn to love? if i have a "crush" on someone, say, and i think i like them, my mind is so passionate, it instantly turns into the most important thing in my life. is it love?

when do i myself love? do i have any idea what love is? love is so selfless, so caring, and so content.











i live my life.

i love my life.



i am truly happy. why don't you ask me why. :)
YOU DONT' EVEN UNDERSTAND. I AM SO FREAKING HAPPY. I LOVE LIFE!!!

you are not the leftovers.

a couple weeks ago i posted something that i truly believed at the time; while i still believe it, i have perspectified it.

i told the world that i think i am beautiful. why did i do that? so i could sound conceited? definitely not, because the type of beauty that i was talking about was definitely made of up inner beauty and a full and enriching personality. Even still, a full personality and inner beauty is not attractive. some may think it is, but i am under the impression that if there are two girls in a room, one has beautiful physical features and one is average but has a "beautiful personality," there is no way in hell that any sane guy would go up to the average girl unless he has a confidence problem. I agree that further on in a relationship, if the hot girl turns out to be a total wierdo, then yes, he might look back on that room and say, wow. the average girl was probably the better choice. But honestly, what girl in their right mind would want to be chosen second? That is probably the worst insult a guy can throw at a girl, that they aren't good enough to be chosen first, and are left for second best. Ew. i hate that phrase. No girl deserves to be second best. Find a guy that chooses you first. Don't be the leftovers. Have some self respect.

i still hold fast to the theory that innerbeauty does nothing without outerbeauty. and i make them into one word because that's the only reason there is beauty. Either its inside or outside; either way, its there. and beauty can't be by itself. it has to have a factor of something that MAKES it beautiful. beauty cannot survive by itself. it needs a host.. and people who want to be beautiful hold fast to that beauty, and become the host for that word. be beautiful. choose it. embrace it. but make sure that your outer beauty is more important than innerbeauty, because as long as you aren't dead, it won't matter if you are nice, kind, meek, smart, self respecting, modest, or generous. You are still gonna be ugly.

the list of life. in importance of meaning.

alright ladies and gentlemen, i am going to attempt to get what's in my head onto my blog without hurting myself or my general situation in life.

hmm. maybe a list?
do you think i do blogs right? i think i do them wrong, because sometimes i look over the shoulder of people who do them right and they actually have TOPICS. like who the heck actually has topics? maybe i think of my blog as a diary. but that seems so girly. heck, i am girly. but i do want to be meaningful.

Does my life have meaning?
That seems to be the question of life. I guess it depends on the meaning of meaning, and the meaning of life. Some say life means 42, but i guess that's just the nerds. Some say life means love, but what about the lack of love required to function? Some say life is nothing, just a vapor. If life is simply a vapor, why does what we do in this vaporous life affect us for eternity? Why would there be consequences if something lasted for a fraction of a second? Some say meaning means what you do with your life. Some say meaning means what other people do with your life.
Meaning, in general, has no meaning. To describe it, I have to put what means something. Everything has to have meaning.

I want meaning in my life. Right now i'm listening to Inside Out by Hillsong United. They say that the meaning of life is to give glory to God. To much of the extent that most agree with, I too agree with this explanation. However, what does that mean? Giving glory to God is not something that you can just DO. It has to reflect actions, words, feelings, thoughts, everyday life. I don't want to say i give glory to God and then go off in my own little world, because if i do that, my life won't have the complete meaning it's supposed to have. True glory comes from selflessness. I am not being selfless in my life. If i were being selfless, i would feel peace. But being me, I am not letting myself achieve this glory that's meant to be given to God. I am still attempting to take control. Why can't i give this control up? i want to give my glory to God. i want my life to have meaning. I know that to an extent, my life does have meaning. However, i am refusing to give this up. C'mon, subconscious, get your act together. I want to live.

next item on the list.

love.
what the heck is that matter with me? trinity, you need to get out of your head and get your act together. you can't love. you aren't ready for anything that serious and lasting. you weren't ready for it the first time, and look where you are now. you weren't ready for it the second time, and you are still having lasting repercussions in your heart. The third time i really want it to be the last time, so what i'm thinking about is either from God or straight from the devil. If its from the devil, i am really naive and dumb. love is not for me at this time most definitely.

en mi corazon... donde?

i am so happy about life. :) God has filled me with his peace and joy in a time when i should be anxious and sad. Today i went to church with my friend josh and while i was there, God just showed me such a powerful vision of what my life will be like in a couple years. i will be working for God's glory. He also made mention to me that i don't have to be ashamed of Him, that nothing else matters other than Him, and i can be myself no matter what the cost. I truly felt God's presence, and i think Josh did too because we were both touched in seperate ways. i love church!

my song of the week. :)

According to You
by Orianthi


According to you
I'm stupid
I'm useless
I can't do anything right

According to you
i'm difficult
Hard to please
Forever changing my mind
I'm a mess in a dress
can't show up on time
Even if it would save my life
According to you
According to you

But according to him
i'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head
According to him
i'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
So baby tell me what i got to lose
He's into me for everything i'm not
According to you

According to you
i'm boring
i'm moody
You can't take me any place
According to you
I suck at telling jokes because i always give them away
I'm the girl with the worst attention span
You're the boy who puts up with it
according to you
according to you

But according to him
i'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head
According to him
i'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
So baby tell me what i got to lose
He's into me for everything i'm not
According to you

I need to feel appreciated
like i'm not hated
oh no
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad ur making me dizzy

According to me
You're stupid
You're useless
You can't do anything right

But according to him
i'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head
According to him
i'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
Baby tell me what i got to lose
He's into me for everything i'm not
According to you
According to you


According to you
i'm stupid
i'm useless
i can't do anything right

oh canada.

hey world.

i don't know who reads this, and frankly, i don't care. my thoughts that i share, i share to everyone. because i feel that somehow, somewhere, maybe someone else's life and thought processes will be affected from mine.

i had an amazing day. Eight hours on the road is enough to clear my mind, and i see life again. I feel like God has lifted the cloud of heaviness from my heart. Focus Trinity. The bible says "set ur mind on things above, not on things of this world." think about that. dwell on that. why should i have a care of what happens to me in this life? God is the only thing that should matter, and when i am feeling down, i need to turn to him. Life is so simple, and even though we are made to have emotions, and made to feel, the feelings are a gift from God, and we should be praising him even for that. No matter how down the feelings make us "feel", haha, they are so special because they give us the option to have personality.

i want my personality :) i like it. Even though i am a bit quirky, and even though sometimes i am not ladylike, i love myself. I love who God has made me to be. yes, i have my faults. Yes, i do get hard on myself. Yes, i am selfish and conceited, and everything else that i really don't like about myself. But you know what? God made me that way. He loves everything about me. i am beautiful. i can finally say that. For so long in my life i compared myself to everyone around me. I saw only my faults, and only my weakness. God has prepared me for this moment in my life, when i look around and see that nothing matters except God. It really doesn't, when i think about it. Am i going to be playing softball in heaven? no, lol unless we get an intramural game going. Am i going to be making out with guys in heaven? definitely not. haha. God has put his divine plan in my life, and i am ready to follow.

i met something. it has changed my life. technically i didn't meet it today, but the lightbulb flipped. im not sure what this means for me. I don't even know if this is God's plan for my life. I don't think it isn't though, so i'm going to just follow this road. hopefully it works. It will be the first time something ever has worked like this, so let's let the fireworks begin, eh?

enogsiefil

where has she gone?


laying, crying, this hopelessness builds
whereamilost.
have you hidden meaning?
have u hidden hope?
you. you have hidden it from yourself.

you know where life lies.
you know the answer.
my question, is
what is the question?

attempting to breathe, my thoughts contract
idon'twantoexist
have u mentioned life?
have u ceased to be?
i don't want to be carried, broken as i am.

fix me first.


look at me a year ago. i am not like this. this is not me. but somewhere, somehow, that trinity has ceased to exist. she has no longer kept her grip on the life put somewhere in this mess of a world.


why do i sound so desperate? i thought i felt better. i thought the pain had numbed and turned into a dull ache. but no. it's back in full force. hounding my thoughts and dreams until i no longer want to be at the center of anyone's will, not even my own.